Tag Archives: relationships

I Said “Yes!”

It happened. The thing I have been waiting for, for FOREVER!

It’s great! It really is, and I feel like life has opened up so many more doors for me.

On the other hand, some people will have negative things to say. One, (and kind of only), being my Mom.

She was upset that My (now) Fiancé didn’t ask her, and my stepdad, about what ring to go with and price points. She made the claim that “he wasn’t even thinking”. She put down my Dad in the process. Saying, “Well, you’re Dad doesn’t know anything about rings, so I know he didn’t ask him.” I just told her stop being judgmental. She said “let’s just leave it at that. YOU’RE the one marrying him anyway.”

Should we really leave it at though?

So much to think about. Also if I am to lose my disability, what should I do next?

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Reassessing My Priorities…AGAIN!

So I had a long talk with My Love.

We sat and talked about the past few months. I had a hard depressive episode in January and February. I stopped cleaning. I stopped taking care of myself. The whole depressive she-bang! Anything that should’ve been done, I didn’t do it.

My last post of reassessing my priorities had more to do with family, and my mom. Now it’s about My Love. Our lack of communication is so typical, yet beyond this relationship. Well, I wouldn’t say “beyond”, but definitely something we need to really, really work on. It’s almost sad, and if I were to marry this man, he needs to know where I’m coming from, and vice-versa.

He said things were great in the beginning when we moved here. I was paying my half of the bills and cleaning.

Here’s the thing, we’ve racked up newer bills, and our old bills have gone up, like electric. Our new bills include a mattress payment, and a tv payment, both monthly. Amongst a few other things. The cleaning, well, I was in a depressive episode. I have depressive phases often and they can last a month, or two, or more, unfortunately.

I asked him to give me another chance. Although, him talking to a supposed female friend, a week ago, had me even more depressed.

Yea. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t respect me, and wants to do what he wants to do. We will see how this all pans out this next month.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Depression At New Depths

I was very sick for about 3-4 years in my early twenties. I went off the grid and deleted every single social media I had.

I’m so close to doing that again. While I may not actually do that, I don’t feel welcome just about anywhere in life. My so called friends haven’t called me. I have tried to call them and nothing. Just one. Just one person has answered my phone call/text.

My depression has entered a new stage. It’s at it’s very depths. The amount of loneliness, fear, and sadness I feel is so beyond me. I haven’t felt this way since I was 24, re-entering into the social media world, coming from nothing.

This is probably a relapse of some sort. I’ve probably been in it for some time now.

My relationship with My Love is rocky. Superficial, at best, in my opinion. My relationship with my friends is very nil. I understand people have things going on, but what does it cost to send just a “how are you?” over text. Nothing. And I still get nothing from them. Only one person. But even then I had to reach out. People say “reach out to me, i’m always here.” Fuck off. You know that’s the biggest lie ever. If I can’t reach you numerous times, then that’s a lie!

My relationship with my parents is so bad. At least with my mom. I mean, my mom just goes on about how im not taking care of my weight/health. Either that, or about my inability to save money. I tell her everyday things to prove to her that i’m making money. It’s never enough. My dad, well, i feel so disconnected with him. If I thought I felt disconnected with him when he’s working all day and i’m living with him… then NOW I feel disconnected even more when I’m not living with him.

I’ve never felt more estranged from the world than I do right now, and it’s the lowest feeling i’ve ever felt.

On top of all that, I’m estranged from God, and i could just about die.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

The Dave Ramsey Program

After looking at numerous instagram pages, and hearing a recommendation from my sister, I’ve decided to try the Dave Ramsey, debt-free, baby step program.

I obviously would be starting on baby step 1. Which is to save up 1k for an emergency fund.

I’ve started it of somewhat so-so. As you can see below:

I’ve received $10 from Instacart’s retroactive payment, due to lawsuits against them for low pay and taking tips. I also cashed out $20 dollars from my iBotta account. My first ever cash out from them.

We will see how all this goes.

(www.daveramsey.com for more info)

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In other news, My Love is feeling better. Somewhat. He had pneumonia, and has bust his eardrum. As of right now, everything is ok, but he can’t hear out of one of his ears, (or hearing is partial).

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Met With A Job Counselor

I had an appointment with my job counselor yesterday, and we talked about everything going on with me. My low energy, my depression, and me not working the past three weeks.

He’s sending me to a psychologist so I can talk everything out. He also listened to me while I spoke about everything. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself. He’s just my job counselor.

. . .

I also would like to spend more time with My Love, but he’s so into his video games and tv, it’s hard. Will talk more about that later.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

There’s A Little Hiccup

Most of my immediate family AND friends have expressed that I should really think about keeping my disability, and the insurance from it, instead of getting legally married.

I understand why. At the same time, I wish I could live a normal life like everybody does, and get married, get a job, have kids, and goto college. Unfortunately, I cannot do that for one reason, or another.

1. I’m not capable of having a full time job. Due to my illness, and everyone around me knows that. I know that, too. Perhaps I’m so wrapped up in the love aspect, and feelings, of my relationship, that I fail to see that. I know many reading this may think I seem intelligent, or smart. I am. Although, due to medications and living with a psychotic disorder, I am unable to hold a full time job.

2. It’s obvious. Anyone who knows disability inside and out, knows you lose everything taking on normality. Because, it means you’re capable. Which I am not FULLY. I’m getting there, but not there just yet.

So i’m taking heed to what everyone has expressed. I won’t get legally married probably, at all. At least, not yet.

And complications with my relationship with my mother, even if I do have any kind of ceremony, she will probably not go. Unfortunately!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Everything Is Looking Up

Yes, it is.

Everything is looking up so much for me. I’m looking towards booking a trip later in the year, Valentine’s Day is coming up, my book, etc. Oh I just could go on with the dozens of things going so well. It’s so exciting, and I feel like i’m actually living the dream that I’ve ALWAYS dreamed of.

It’s weird, because I always saw greatness in myself. I always saw potential, but either people told me to not dream too big, or do this or that, or even my own past getting me down. And I just couldn’t reconcile the fact that I felt something big was going to happen.

It’s also weird, because I felt like I had the key to something in this world. I was told time and time again, by mental health providers thats I was delusional and incompetent, I flowed with that, too! Can you believe that?! I almost consider my own self a joke for believing that.

But here I am. I’m here. It’s not a dream. It’s not a prank. I’m actually here. Excuse me while I live on cloud 9 for awhile!

Oh my. And the thing is, it’s only going to get better. I feel it. I sense it.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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