Tag Archives: recovery

CBD And How It Has Helped My Mental Health

Have you heard of CBD or hemp? It’s being touted as a miracle vitamin, drug, oil, etc.

They have hemp in everything from hemp seeds and hemp clothing, to even hemp shoes and tires.

But, CBD is being used medicinally in medical marijuana, as well as from the high-CBD, low-THC hemp plant. Many companies are selling CBD oil, edibles (such as gummy bears/worms), pet treats, topicals, and even flower!

I saw CBD in my local vape shop, bought some, then did some research on it before taking it. I discovered TONS of people being helped by it for various reasons, such as back pain, all the way to anxiety.

So I decided to give it a shot. I bought from a reputable brand, and waited until my anxiety was high. I bought a vape pen and used it. I was instantly relieved in a matter of seconds. It seemed like a miracle, but I kept using it and testing it throughout the month. It always did it’s job, and with the only side effect for me being sleepiness. But that was great, because I am a lifelong insomniac, since I started puberty (many many years ago!).

It’s been maybe 6 or so months. I have joined groups, followed those on Instagram who use CBD, and have researched CBD even MORE thoroughly, as well as, the different companies and farms out there. It’s a very interesting topic to discuss, and research. People of all ages use it. It has helped with minor pains, anxiety (minor to severe), and even my depressive episodes to a large degree!

While I want to say I am NOT a doctor or medical professional, and my experiences are my own. There. But I do recommend that those who are curious to read more into it.

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I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

I Find I Have More Anxiety On My Way To Recovery

I had a panic attack attempting to delete a few people from my Facebook. Some of them family. It’s never easy deleting family from facebook. It’s never easy deleting anyone from Facebook. I never thought I would have such a hard time. So much so, that I would have a panic attack over it. Well, I covered all my bases, you know, should I give them a “head’s up”, or should I just not give them any notice.

I won’t go into detail what happened, but social media is so anxiety inducing, because there’s no face-to-face interaction with the person. In my mind, I feel like the face-to-face interaction is easier to deal with because you see the emotions of the person, you hear their voice, and then afterwards you can deal with their real-time emotions of the aftermath of the situation. Keyword is real-time. With texting, Facebook, instagram, twitter, etc, and the like, you’re dealing with the delay of the person’s emotions. They may have calmed down in the aftermath of a situation if something has gone wrong, or they may have gotten angrier and things have boiled in their head. OR you could be that person texting angrily and that other person could be busy and have no clue as to what’s going on and didn’t even get your text/message.

This could all be the same for something positive that has happened. I was personally speaking from my situation as if something has gone horribly wrong.

My anxiety and panic attacks get pretty bad. I admit I usually run to my medicine. I’m trying to find other ways to calm myself. I can find peace of mind through music and distraction. Not so much reading, as my mind races when I am anxious and panicky. Dancing helps. Distraction is a big helper. Distraction through television, music, and sitting outside. Which is about all I can think about right now. I am finding more as I go on to recovery.

I am finding that I am becoming more anxious as I recover. I did not expect that. That blindsided me.

No More Reality Checking

One thing I know for sure is that one day I want to break away from this mental health stuff and my own mental health and just drop my life – and barely/rarely look back. No more analyzing. No more figuring out how I am doing. Just live. I wish I had never known my troubles as I do. Being this close and in tune makes me more lonely and depressed than not. I wish I was naive/ignorant more to my mental health. Part of the problem is i’m alone almost 24/7 – 7 days a week so I have ALL this excess time to think about everything.

I REFUSE to do these so called “reality checks” anymore. I dont even call them that now. Let me just let my mind run wild. Ok?

The past 6 months i’ve gotten further away than ever before. In 2010 I started my descent from normalcy and rarely looked back until I was in police custody (or whatever that siutation would be called) in 2012 for a psychotic episode.

The more I run from this the more it follows me. But I will take a left turn so complicated and sharp – Schizophrenia wont know what the fuck hit it.

The Idea of Recovery Has Become Non-Existant

Everytime i realize i dont have anyone around me to talk to i tear up a little. Pathetic.

Talking to people online isnt something i truly wanted. i started doing it to temporarily combat loneliness until i found someone in the real world. 3 years later i still have no one and my presence online has increased 3-4x times as much as i even wanted it to. Yet i’m getting to a point where I dont want to talk at all, now. Or maybe I just see the act of telling someone how I feel and what I think is becoming pointless really. Through the limited help i’ve recieved, and through all the cracks i’ve fallen through in my life, I feel the whole “sharing” and “being open” about oneself has had its opportunity where I could have done that. But I am become less open to being open with someone one on one anymore, online or in real life. I havent quit yet, but I cant say it will stick around much longer. It’s been diminished drastically. Also my wanting to get professional help.

I went through my late teens adhering and being completely compliant in every way thrown at me. Then when I became twenty i denounced medication but still was very open to any and all therapys or treatments non-pharma related. Now around my 23rd birthday, i’m not sure how i feel about anything at all. Period.

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