Tag Archives: recovery

This Man Is My Life

Literally. And all I can think about everyday.

I just want things to be better between us. Obviously, if he didn’t love me, or like me, he wouldn’t have proposed! So I definitely need to do my part. I have considered couples counseling, but now that I think about it, so much of the problem, I feel like, is me. Well, to an honest extent it is, but then, it isn’t.

I became depressed back in January this year. What started off as talking about a possible engagement between us, to my mom, ended up disastrous. Things became worse and worse in my head, and everything spiraled out of control inside me. I became depressed. I stopped showering, taking care of the house, I binge ate, I stopped brushing my hair, etc, and honestly, i’m still at that point, but it’s gotten better as time has went on.

My Love and I talked today. We had an argument about our feelings. He says, “I work 40 hours a week, and I come home and have to clean up the house AND cook.” I said, “I’d be in better spirits if you just spent time with me.”

Honestly, we never came to an agreement on the time spent together before the argument ended, but I promised him things would change and that I would start cleaning more and cooking more.

All of this stopped once I got depressed back in January. Just everything, like I said above plus more! I grew up in a house in my early twenties where my Dad hoarded a bit. Everything was always filthy. I hated it, but never cleaned. I’m not sure why, other than I didn’t want to clean. I just stayed in bed all day due to depression, anxiety, and psychosis. I either slept or ate, but I was always in bed. My Love said I need to break that habit of being in bed. I’m thinking I do, too, and need to start contributing to the household. Especially if i’m not working, I suppose.

Here’s to better times! 🍻

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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Is The Depression Gone Yet?

So, I don’t want to jinx myself, but the depression seems to be wearing off. I worked 1 day in the past week. Start small. That’s what counts. I’m lucky enough to have disability to fall back on.

Xena is so much better. I think her cough is gone 99%, so that’s good. She’s much happier, and playing now.

I would like to get one of Dave Ramsey’s books. I’m feeling so inspired right now. I signed up for college again, and FAFSA.

I think i’m MOSTLY back to myself. Thank God! But 🤞🏽!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

The Great 180

I think I might have overcome the depressive episode, or starting to. Which is great. I’m not yet doing the things I fully should, but i’ve got headway on a few things.

    I have been searching for a new job
    I have ordered my planner for my hustle & flow.
    My mom bought me candles for my evenings to relax
    I have been waking up rested so far!
  • I have ordered my vitamins from Care/Of for my health and wellness.

It’s going good so far. Not much has been accomplished, but I feel positive about how things are going.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Met With A Job Counselor

I had an appointment with my job counselor yesterday, and we talked about everything going on with me. My low energy, my depression, and me not working the past three weeks.

He’s sending me to a psychologist so I can talk everything out. He also listened to me while I spoke about everything. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself. He’s just my job counselor.

. . .

I also would like to spend more time with My Love, but he’s so into his video games and tv, it’s hard. Will talk more about that later.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Everything Is Looking Up

Yes, it is.

Everything is looking up so much for me. I’m looking towards booking a trip later in the year, Valentine’s Day is coming up, my book, etc. Oh I just could go on with the dozens of things going so well. It’s so exciting, and I feel like i’m actually living the dream that I’ve ALWAYS dreamed of.

It’s weird, because I always saw greatness in myself. I always saw potential, but either people told me to not dream too big, or do this or that, or even my own past getting me down. And I just couldn’t reconcile the fact that I felt something big was going to happen.

It’s also weird, because I felt like I had the key to something in this world. I was told time and time again, by mental health providers thats I was delusional and incompetent, I flowed with that, too! Can you believe that?! I almost consider my own self a joke for believing that.

But here I am. I’m here. It’s not a dream. It’s not a prank. I’m actually here. Excuse me while I live on cloud 9 for awhile!

Oh my. And the thing is, it’s only going to get better. I feel it. I sense it.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Here’s My Confession

So I seemingly keep having breakdown, after breakdown, after breakdown. And crying spells, this week.

Here’s the real deal, I’ve been pretty much an “invalid” for 10 years. I say that because I’ve been laying in my bed all day, everyday, for that long.

The first 4 years of that I was very sick with psychosis, and on very heavy pills, and high doses of them, the couple of years after that. Now I am in recovery, but it’s slow, very slow. I’ve been in recovery for 3-4 years now. Each year gets better, but damn, it’s so slow. I’d say every year, I probably only accomplish 2-3 things. A mix of small and big things.

Today, My Love said that, that’s how he sees me, is in bed all day. And I was gutted. It hurt so much, thinking about how much I am keeping him from doing the things he wants to do. And i’m floored. Just floored. I just don’t want him to think he is with the wrong person.

Honestly, I don’t know what to say right now, other than I am still fighting. I have gotten tested for thyroid issues and diabetes. I am on Vitamin D, and I have tried a SAD lamp, and so many different vitamins and therapy. I’m so lost as it is now.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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