Tag Archives: mentally ill

TwentySomethings Existential Crisis With Mental Illness

This issue hasn’t exactly got me tossing and turning yet, but I’m almost there. It could be called something of a “Quarter-Life Crisis”. Not sure if it applies to me. I am though going through some sort of existential crisis.

I am 24 years old. I will be 25 in some number of months (not too long from now) and I realize that, yes, I am getting older. I’m getting further and further away from my high school years. I graduated high school at 17. I went to college that same summer, of that same year, because my parents thought it was a smart idea. That’s a whole other story.

Well, at 24, I’m still in college. That’s not a bad thing, and it’s not a good thing. It’s not a good thing by society’s standards, but because of my mental health and many hospitalizations I went through, and the down times I had, It’s not a bad thing. It shows my resilience, my willingness to succeed and keep going, and persistence.

I’m studying philosophy right now. I love it! I especially love existentialism. Philosophy drew itself to me while going through the tough periods with Schizoaffective disorder and growing older, and thinking upon suicide, and “Where am I going in life?”. I’m still new to it, I’ll admit. Everyone starts somewhere in Philosophy, I was told.

So, where am I going in life at 24 going on 25, 26, 27, 28, 29…etc? I just see time ticking away away, whereas I just saw time sitting still when I was younger. I’ll still give the fact that sometimes I still do see time stand still, but then I look away and look back and it has passed. So there’s a whole new realization. I feel as if I’ve wasted so much of my time being hospitalized. I know I couldn’t have done much to stop that, but I still can’t help but feel like it’s time wasted. Especially the down time from medication. The sleeping all the time, mostly. Sleeping up to 12-16 hours a day at one point. Even once as to sleep 24 hours straight, if my memory serves me correct. That’s another thing. My memory. Where are my memories from my early twenties? My mid-to-late teens? Nothing but withered away from medications into oblivion. I feel lucky I even took a few pictures. I take a lot of pictures nowadays. Partly because I feel like my memory will be abolished from medications, but then I want to remember even the littlest things when I get even older. With all this technology around me why not use it?

The fact that I can even see a bit of time still standing still, somewhat, I feel shows I’m still youthful. Although, I don’t want to waste this youthful time doing nothing, or what I perceive as doing nothing. I want, and need, to fill my time up with memories, events, church, educating myself, and having a lot more (healthy) fun. Just ANYTHING besides being hospitalized. Anything besides that.

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This Is What Happens When I Start To Relapse (Briefly)

I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.

I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.

One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.

My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.

I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.

I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.

I’m really not sure how I will get through this.

NAMI Commercial 2015- Mental Health Awareness Month (May)

On March 1st, 2015, I got a great opportunity to be in the NAMI commercial for mental health awareness month in May. I was filmed as an extra, in Dallas, TX. The commercial will air in May. I can’t wait to see it, and for awareness to spread and stigma to lessen as much as it can. I will post the commercial when it comes in. So keep a look out for it! In the mean time, visit www.NAMI.org and look for your local NAMI chapter!

Also, go by an visit the Mental Health Awareness Month page!

Road To Recovery Coming To A Dead End?

My therapist said that after a month she will reevaluate giving me hour sessions, more sessions, and not having to have my parent come into the sessions with me. Right now I’m seeing a therapist 30 minutes a month, and I have to have my parent sit in all the sessions with me.

I’m happy, but that took so long. I’ve been seeing her for over 6 months now. Over half a year. Part of me doesn’t understand why I have to fight so hard for good therapy to the point where I have to consider changing therapists or clinics. Nothing is fair at this clinic. They take so much of my money. I thought it was because they were just too booked to get me in for hour sessions, and more sessions. That’s really not the case. I just think they don’t really care. I really don’t.

My psychosis has been getting worse over the past couple of weeks. I think I might be in denial, I don’t know. I keep saying I am having many mini episodes. In reality, I think I am just over the threshold into psychosis now and having bouts of “normalcy” every now and then. My episodes are just more and more, and times when I’m “Ok” is becoming less and less. I am having tons of voices, and my paranoia is ramped up so incredibly high. I get disorganized at times when the voices become overpowering. Maybe my anxiety worsening over the past few months was a sign, I am not even sure. I feel like I knew what the signs were, but either I forgot the signs or they seem to take a different pattern each time. I become confused a lot, even when I’m not hearing voices. I get confused and forget, a lot.

I’ve put a lot on my plate in the past few months; attending college again, getting out more. Actually that’s the main things I’ve been doing, but it’s extremely stressful, and I don’t think I might have taken the right approach to it, and may have done it too fast. I don’t know. I’m really confused about everything right now.

Blog For Mental Health 2015

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

I started having symptoms around when I was about 9 years old. I would become paranoid when my parents went to work. I figured what they were really doing was going to a secret warehouse complete with cameras and microphones, watching my every move in the house, through the tv screens.

I got older and I noticed kids and teens around my school would follow me, legitamely bully me, and watch me. I supposed they were planning to jump me or possibly kill me. I had to goto my first psychiatric hospital at 13, for depression and self injury. The first of about 20+ later on down the line. Rumors spread around the school about me that I possibly killed myself, or went to jail, because of my prolonged absence from school.

Everything went left when I got about 17, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. Had been through numerous hospitalizations by that age that were horrifying. A psychiatrist attempted to have me committed to a residential treatment facility. I got out of that somehow.

Fast forward to now, I’m 24. Between 18 and 24 (now), I’ve been hauled off to many psych facilites by law enforcement, on disability, and almost had charges against me for assaulting someone who I thought was following me and watching my every move.

Thats a very small summary of my life with mental health. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

blogformentalhealth.com

Panic Attacks & My Clinic + Updates

Ok first I’ll be honest I cant guarantee that i will always be writing here. Im on forums a lot and other forms of social media. I also write in a pen & paper journal.

Though, I’ve decided to update this page a little bit.

I’ve added:

My twitter account (Which I use pretty frequently)

My Youtube page/V-log/Video Blog

Other random widgets to make my page look nice.

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My psychiatrist recommended me more therapy, but my therapist is hesitant to give me more therapy. They work at the same clinic, in the same building and down the hall from each other. Yet they both aren’t aware of each others treatments on me. Makes no sense. Ever since my old therapist there resigned, this new therapist has been treating me like i’m just another dollar to her. Which I probably am.

I only get therapy 30 minutes, once a month.

Re-read that. It’s true.

I can’t afford more right now or for awhile and I can’t afford to quit therapy.

I feel entirely on my own. Im trying to go back to school. A job is out of the question. Sometimes I dont see the point. Right now I have a little more optimism in life than usual. Thats only because going back to school is giving me something to live for. Although I dont always want to do it. I dont go face to face. I go online.

My panic attacks since the past two months have been so severe. I curl up into a ball sometimes. I vomit. I tremble and shake. I’m physically bent over in mental pain. I sweat. My field of vision narrows. I feel like I’m going to black out. Sometimes I wake up with anxiety. Every night I goto bed with anxiety.

I have called my therapist about it. She has never returned my call…

The Fact Of The Matter Is…

within every person with schizophrenia is a different person. we are all different.

also i dont buy into the fact the people with schizophrenia arent depressed. maybe not clinical and so bad to needing ECT. but this is such a lonely disorder. i refuse to say disease. i need hours upon hours of alone time. but to be alone for so many years is a different thing. i actually handled it well minus the psychosis for 4 years. idk whats differnt abut this year. maybe that my neighbor died. and it has me questioning life and the purpose of it. but this and last year have been the worst years of my life.

2008 was bad. but its like 2008 when i was almost homeless is like hitting me now i think because i didnt realize the impact money has until i got on disability last year. and now im on food stamps. who knows how long ill have all that too. i fear ill lose any at any review time.

i may not be a leper in my eyes but im another poverty statistic. another mentally ill poverty statistic. the kinda person sociologists report on in the news and articles online and how we need to help these people. but help never comes around. its all talk. and we are all stuck in the same place with money woes and mentally ill minds and loneliness and other health issues and other issues. well yea who wouldnt be depressed.

in 2007 when i was 16 i was for sure id be a film student at a top texas university mingling with very few people but at the near top envied with my creative visions. never a nobody on disability and food stamps. not a single soul known in my mind. my dad taking care of me. and a racked up number of police records and hospital stays. #1 member at club meds. in the top 5 at a least. everything turned to hell in prodromal symptoms in 2008 and a full blown psychotic episode that same year when i was borderline homeless. and every year of my life since then too. and it only gets worse. the symptoms. my life situation. the environment. etc.

dont tell me to not give up. ive given up already. dont give me that bullsh_t about trying harder or giving it time or how the meds will work it evenly out. now all i can think about is how to live minute by minute on these meds with still symptoms vying for my attention. talking to my voices alone and in public. and fearing what i know is real. dont tell me its not. because it is.

im alone in this and always will be. question is how can i NOT kill myself over that fact.

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