Tag Archives: mentally ill

Reassessing My Priorities…AGAIN!

So I had a long talk with My Love.

We sat and talked about the past few months. I had a hard depressive episode in January and February. I stopped cleaning. I stopped taking care of myself. The whole depressive she-bang! Anything that should’ve been done, I didn’t do it.

My last post of reassessing my priorities had more to do with family, and my mom. Now it’s about My Love. Our lack of communication is so typical, yet beyond this relationship. Well, I wouldn’t say “beyond”, but definitely something we need to really, really work on. It’s almost sad, and if I were to marry this man, he needs to know where I’m coming from, and vice-versa.

He said things were great in the beginning when we moved here. I was paying my half of the bills and cleaning.

Here’s the thing, we’ve racked up newer bills, and our old bills have gone up, like electric. Our new bills include a mattress payment, and a tv payment, both monthly. Amongst a few other things. The cleaning, well, I was in a depressive episode. I have depressive phases often and they can last a month, or two, or more, unfortunately.

I asked him to give me another chance. Although, him talking to a supposed female friend, a week ago, had me even more depressed.

Yea. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t respect me, and wants to do what he wants to do. We will see how this all pans out this next month.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Depression At New Depths

I was very sick for about 3-4 years in my early twenties. I went off the grid and deleted every single social media I had.

I’m so close to doing that again. While I may not actually do that, I don’t feel welcome just about anywhere in life. My so called friends haven’t called me. I have tried to call them and nothing. Just one. Just one person has answered my phone call/text.

My depression has entered a new stage. It’s at it’s very depths. The amount of loneliness, fear, and sadness I feel is so beyond me. I haven’t felt this way since I was 24, re-entering into the social media world, coming from nothing.

This is probably a relapse of some sort. I’ve probably been in it for some time now.

My relationship with My Love is rocky. Superficial, at best, in my opinion. My relationship with my friends is very nil. I understand people have things going on, but what does it cost to send just a “how are you?” over text. Nothing. And I still get nothing from them. Only one person. But even then I had to reach out. People say “reach out to me, i’m always here.” Fuck off. You know that’s the biggest lie ever. If I can’t reach you numerous times, then that’s a lie!

My relationship with my parents is so bad. At least with my mom. I mean, my mom just goes on about how im not taking care of my weight/health. Either that, or about my inability to save money. I tell her everyday things to prove to her that i’m making money. It’s never enough. My dad, well, i feel so disconnected with him. If I thought I felt disconnected with him when he’s working all day and i’m living with him… then NOW I feel disconnected even more when I’m not living with him.

I’ve never felt more estranged from the world than I do right now, and it’s the lowest feeling i’ve ever felt.

On top of all that, I’m estranged from God, and i could just about die.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Hypomania Or Depression

Not sure if hypomanic or just have a lot of ideas…

Yea, that’s pretty much what’s on my mind right now. I stayed up all day and part of the night searching for jobs. I barely slept. Then woke up at 3AM back to money making ideas.

This poses a problem.

I seem to have the flight of ideas similar to hypomania, but the energy of it is fading quickly. So yea, i’m not sure, but I have a lot of ideas. Of course, if there is a lack of energy, then there is no will to implement any of these ideas. And i’m back to square one. Wow! Couldn’t be worse!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Here’s My Confession

So I seemingly keep having breakdown, after breakdown, after breakdown. And crying spells, this week.

Here’s the real deal, I’ve been pretty much an “invalid” for 10 years. I say that because I’ve been laying in my bed all day, everyday, for that long.

The first 4 years of that I was very sick with psychosis, and on very heavy pills, and high doses of them, the couple of years after that. Now I am in recovery, but it’s slow, very slow. I’ve been in recovery for 3-4 years now. Each year gets better, but damn, it’s so slow. I’d say every year, I probably only accomplish 2-3 things. A mix of small and big things.

Today, My Love said that, that’s how he sees me, is in bed all day. And I was gutted. It hurt so much, thinking about how much I am keeping him from doing the things he wants to do. And i’m floored. Just floored. I just don’t want him to think he is with the wrong person.

Honestly, I don’t know what to say right now, other than I am still fighting. I have gotten tested for thyroid issues and diabetes. I am on Vitamin D, and I have tried a SAD lamp, and so many different vitamins and therapy. I’m so lost as it is now.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Literal Mood Changes

Wow. It’s so interesting when you find out something about yourself that you seem to deny often, yet accept anyway, just because.

My diagnoses as it stands is Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Subtype. I never really accepted the bipolar part, because I saw myself as more of a depressed person.

According to my Daylio mood chart, I am depressed, yet it still shows up AND down moods along with the depression.

Not what I was expecting, and it’s hard to deny fact, considering this is only for 6 days of recording. I’m curious to see what a month of recording looks like, and very scared at the same time.

My Love admitted that sometimes he doesn’t know which person he’s coming home to. Happy or sad, or neutral or depressed person.

Well, let’s keep a record over this next month and see…

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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