Tag Archives: mental health

Panic Attacks & My Clinic + Updates

Ok first I’ll be honest I cant guarantee that i will always be writing here. Im on forums a lot and other forms of social media. I also write in a pen & paper journal.

Though, I’ve decided to update this page a little bit.

I’ve added:

My twitter account (Which I use pretty frequently)

My Youtube page/V-log/Video Blog

Other random widgets to make my page look nice.

————————————

My psychiatrist recommended me more therapy, but my therapist is hesitant to give me more therapy. They work at the same clinic, in the same building and down the hall from each other. Yet they both aren’t aware of each others treatments on me. Makes no sense. Ever since my old therapist there resigned, this new therapist has been treating me like i’m just another dollar to her. Which I probably am.

I only get therapy 30 minutes, once a month.

Re-read that. It’s true.

I can’t afford more right now or for awhile and I can’t afford to quit therapy.

I feel entirely on my own. Im trying to go back to school. A job is out of the question. Sometimes I dont see the point. Right now I have a little more optimism in life than usual. Thats only because going back to school is giving me something to live for. Although I dont always want to do it. I dont go face to face. I go online.

My panic attacks since the past two months have been so severe. I curl up into a ball sometimes. I vomit. I tremble and shake. I’m physically bent over in mental pain. I sweat. My field of vision narrows. I feel like I’m going to black out. Sometimes I wake up with anxiety. Every night I goto bed with anxiety.

I have called my therapist about it. She has never returned my call…

Respect & Disrespect On The Internet

I havent posted in a very long time. I just hadnt had time, ive forgotten, ive also been doing video blogs, etc.

But then something came up that I felt so strong about…

I feel like I’m the only person in this world that is tolerant to almost everything. There are certain things that I if I was tolerant to it would be sort of weird. For example being biracial, it would be weird to be tolerant of white pride. Well…to support it.

What Im trying to get at is, having been on so many forums and support groups online that deal with supporting others and receiving support for mental health, it’s odd to me how many people on these online places are very intolerant of religion. Now I’m christian. Im serious about my faith and religion but Im not one to preach to random people in public, to random people online, and places like these support groups that have policies that state to keep talk of religion to a minimum or nil.

Maybe I dont know what I was expecting, but I thought people going through so much struggle and so desperate looking for support wouldnt stoop so low as bash other religions. Im not just talking about my own but other peoples religions too.

My beliefs lie in a certain religion but I will always respect other peoples beliefs. I used to not, but I got older and I learned respect.

This goes into other topics, as well. So many people just have no respect for people of other races, genders, sexual orientations, or their beliefs in politics, or even people with certain disabilities disrespect people with other types of disabilities. I dont understand how people can be in such a mindset like that. I understand getting upset or “butthurt” about someone saying something and then you make some sort of throwback at them. But why continuously live life forever disliking a set of people or peoples beliefs?

To me that’s such a sad life. It honestly wants to make me be completely done with the internet and disconnect myself entirely. Though you have to realize that these are real people who live out there in real life saying these things, and me doing such a thing like disconnecting myself wouldnt change that theres still those people out there who log on and say that stuff. And they live in our world outside of the internet. Well…most all of them do.

the secret of the case manager

let me spell this out

for a reason unknown to me and confusing – i cant get a case manager.

ive been told everything from “you should have one”. “you should have one already”. to reading that i cant get one.

ive been hospitalized where in multiple places they told me multple times that i need one or should already have one. but i dont have one.

im actually confused as to what these people do anymore. i read conflicting things about what their job actually entails. but the thing is – from what i know – is that if they do help with getting you back on track and helping with insurance or schooling or finding a place to live or checking with you – – – then i could really use one…

xanax binges

i know no one here understands me or prob even cares. so why do i write this blog? i dont know.

i just wanted to say that.

 

im doing something i call xanax binges. where i take a few pills and then pass out. when i take up i take a few more. pass out. and so on for a few days or so. because i just want to forget about the world. and the best possible way is to do that is to sleep like away like that fairy tale where that guy sleeps for years. i wish i could do that.this haldol injection makes me quite depressed.

i just started another installment of bingeing tonight. i lose time and memory. thank god.

i never was a drug addict. and i dont consider xanax as being one.but maybe i am. i dont think id mind being one.

this one time i did a binge i was so out of it waking up i had set something in my house on fire. and didnt remmebr it til next day. but had pictures i taken of myself of setting papers on fire.

 

this haldol makes me quite miserable. depressed.

Side Effects

one side of my side effects it that it depletes my ability to be creative and thats what i hold on to most in my life. is my creativity.

i miss my voices however bad they were now. they come back still. mostly when the injection is wearing off which should be soon.

i cant wait for that.

im quite lonely.

%d bloggers like this: