Tag Archives: Life

This Went Left

We can’t afford to live where we are living anymore, and it’s really putting me in the deep end, emotionally.

I’ve been very depressed, procrastinating, and letting everything fall to the wayside. This is hitting home way too much.

My Love and I may have to move back in with our parents (separately), after just recently getting engaged. We can’t afford a home, another apartment, or even the same apartment. We are spending $719 here, plus all bills separately from that. We can’t seem to make it on his income, plus my disability income.

We are lost and just looking for a miracle.

Please bear with me for the moment being.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Depression At New Depths

I was very sick for about 3-4 years in my early twenties. I went off the grid and deleted every single social media I had.

I’m so close to doing that again. While I may not actually do that, I don’t feel welcome just about anywhere in life. My so called friends haven’t called me. I have tried to call them and nothing. Just one. Just one person has answered my phone call/text.

My depression has entered a new stage. It’s at it’s very depths. The amount of loneliness, fear, and sadness I feel is so beyond me. I haven’t felt this way since I was 24, re-entering into the social media world, coming from nothing.

This is probably a relapse of some sort. I’ve probably been in it for some time now.

My relationship with My Love is rocky. Superficial, at best, in my opinion. My relationship with my friends is very nil. I understand people have things going on, but what does it cost to send just a “how are you?” over text. Nothing. And I still get nothing from them. Only one person. But even then I had to reach out. People say “reach out to me, i’m always here.” Fuck off. You know that’s the biggest lie ever. If I can’t reach you numerous times, then that’s a lie!

My relationship with my parents is so bad. At least with my mom. I mean, my mom just goes on about how im not taking care of my weight/health. Either that, or about my inability to save money. I tell her everyday things to prove to her that i’m making money. It’s never enough. My dad, well, i feel so disconnected with him. If I thought I felt disconnected with him when he’s working all day and i’m living with him… then NOW I feel disconnected even more when I’m not living with him.

I’ve never felt more estranged from the world than I do right now, and it’s the lowest feeling i’ve ever felt.

On top of all that, I’m estranged from God, and i could just about die.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

So, That Book I Was Going To Write

I published it.

It’s more of a field guide for getting around your daily life. Short and to the point. 9 pages. With resources. More books to come IF I can do better than 9 pages, haha.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Something Cathartic Happened Today

I am home today with nothing to do. I couldn’t snag any hours today with Instacart, my other jobs haven’t come through yet, and I have nowhere to go. I’ve cleaned the house already, yesterday, like a maniac.

So i’ve been in bed all day, thinking.

And that’s where things get bad.

I had a panic attack.

I shouldn’t be doing that. Every. Single. Time, i’m idle like that I start thinking about my past and how I used to be. Except this time, I started to realize something. I’ve changed.

When I was teen, and younger, I was very shy and quiet. I liked artsy things, I was gothic, and then punk and emo. I played music, etc. Then when I got sick around my early twenties, I was so deathly afraid of people. I barely left my house, barely showered, stopped my meds cold turkey and almost become catatonic, I was so sick. I started reading more about philosophy, religion, and got into government conspiracies. You get the picture.

Now, within the past few years, as I have recovered from Mental Illness, I have become quite a social butterfly. Not a lot, but enough to have a good amount of friends and keep them. Instacart, back then (or anything like it), would’ve been a pipe dream. Or maybe a nightmare for me.

And it was then, I felt confused for the first time.

Here I am, having gone through so much and changed so much, and STILL changing. It’s as if I’ve lost myself or maybe part of myself along the way.

Like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And I need help. I need grounding. I need guidance. Or something like it.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Good News Just Keeps Coming

I’m really racking it in with good news. It literally just keeps coming, and it’s all so exciting!

My love got recommended at his job (which he’s only had a month) to be a manager-in-training! How great is that?! On top of a gift card to the store as a Christmas present. 

I’m starting my job with Instacart soon; part time job as a personal shopper. I’m having motivation to start maybe an etsy business, as well. We will see where all this goes, but I am very happy, and very motivated. On top of our move being successful. 

Everything is looking up. So much so, that the past, and the people of my past, are no longer relevant, i’m happy to say!

Thanks so much! And, until next time!

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