Tag Archives: Health

Trapped

on the outside i appear to be better. but the wheels of misfortune are still turning in my head. psychosis.

…i dont know why that sounded better in my head.

my body feels like it just ran a marathon on these injections. tired and unsustainable. nothing is attainable. everything a pain. but my mind is still going. im still hearing voices. still paranoid. im like trapped in this tired body. my minds not racing. its just still troubled with psychosis and fear. and ive got more stressful things. or at least it just doesnt let up with the medicare and ssa.

ive lost motivation to even update my blog. but ill try.

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Hospital Stay

I was in the hospital for a week.

That would make about something above 12 or 13th time.

I’m not going to go into it now but…way above.

 

Im tired of these. Mostly scared. They do change your environment and thats good for awhile. the doctor didnt really care about me. thats usual. im not for the mental health system though in general. my outside psychiatrist knew this hospital doc put me on a lashing of meds that wouldnt help. a crap load of crap…is what i say.

i was trying to stay away from the intramuscular shots for noncompliance but they caught up to me…

im on them the moment i got out pretty much. within 7 days. i hope i never have to goto mental health court.

 

im starting to slip into fear and paranoia again. i dont know if its paranoia or true. i really dont know. i do know i feel fear. lots of it. already. or not a lot but its starting to come back onto me again.

The Reality of Reality

reading through things and serching for help in my area to understand medicare……….im just about to break into crying……the sadness……and upset….and embarassment…..at my income ……and mental health…..and all this stuff in my life…….this is one of those moments that……you realize how broken you actually are both inside and out………..  😥  …………like heres reality……….im sitting in it………………..in THIS reality……..broken both inside and out……………a lot of people dont realize how lucky they are……seriously……….i never ever ever saw living even contently as lucky………but its almost pure luck in this day and age………..my dad lost his jobs one day and everything crumbled…….we went from upper middle class to my parents spit divorce and then few years later to only thing seperating us between being ok and physically on the streets were some walls. measly walls. we had no furniture in the house. no running water. no electricity. no air for too long…….and my mental illness worsened and worsened and worsened these past 3-5 years……..my college career broke and over……..going on and off insurance cuz no money………and so on……

……..everything iin my life is just gone gone gone.
one thing…*POOF* gone!
something else *POOF* gone!
another thing *POOF* gone!
and so on and so on and so on.
2 years after my lose his job i ALMOST LOSE HIM. AND THEN AGAIN 1 YEAR LATER.
it doesnt even stop.
and people wonder why i keep having psychotic breaks.

you FUCKING tell me.

The Idea of Recovery Has Become Non-Existant

Everytime i realize i dont have anyone around me to talk to i tear up a little. Pathetic.

Talking to people online isnt something i truly wanted. i started doing it to temporarily combat loneliness until i found someone in the real world. 3 years later i still have no one and my presence online has increased 3-4x times as much as i even wanted it to. Yet i’m getting to a point where I dont want to talk at all, now. Or maybe I just see the act of telling someone how I feel and what I think is becoming pointless really. Through the limited help i’ve recieved, and through all the cracks i’ve fallen through in my life, I feel the whole “sharing” and “being open” about oneself has had its opportunity where I could have done that. But I am become less open to being open with someone one on one anymore, online or in real life. I havent quit yet, but I cant say it will stick around much longer. It’s been diminished drastically. Also my wanting to get professional help.

I went through my late teens adhering and being completely compliant in every way thrown at me. Then when I became twenty i denounced medication but still was very open to any and all therapys or treatments non-pharma related. Now around my 23rd birthday, i’m not sure how i feel about anything at all. Period.

Tiresome

The only support system i have in my life is falling apart. i am extremely suicidal. i may not be well in other ways like psychosis. i dont know. i say i dont know because i am falling apart fast too. so fast i cannot and almost dont care to keep up with it. i just am trying to survive every single second of the days that come toward me. i am in a very thousand-mile deep seat of mental and emotional pain right now.

I can smell my hands and arms. The skin. It smells like rotting flesh. Last time I smelled this I had a hard time convincing myself I wasn’t dead or dying. That was hell.

Im the total opposite in that rain makes me quite content than most.

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