Tag Archives: family

I’m Not Sure If I’m Ready

I apologize for not posting in awhile.

Let’s start off by saying, My Love and I are not sure if we can afford rent anymore. We are considering moving back into our parents house (separately). Maybe getting our finances in order, before moving back in together.

Definitely not my idea, and i’m very scared. It’s nothing against my father, or his house, so much as, all my memories there of me dealing with my schizoaffective, depression, and anxiety. And then, my ex. It would just be so backwards for me. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, everyday. I hope it doesnt come down to that.

We could make it if I got a part time job. I was doing Instacart and a few other jobs like that for awhile, but with this town being so small, it’s hard because no one orders. I was lucky if I was getting two orders a day.

I’m supposed to be starting college again soon, and i’m just so lost. I’m not sure if i’m ready. Especially with all this having to move back stuff in the back of my head.

Forgive me for not writing much, but everything is so stressful right now. And i’ve been drinking more. As well as, having panic attacks everyday. I think it’s the stress of having to go backwards when I just don’t want to. I fear going backwards is going to ramp up my symptoms and depression.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!m

This Man Is My Life

Literally. And all I can think about everyday.

I just want things to be better between us. Obviously, if he didn’t love me, or like me, he wouldn’t have proposed! So I definitely need to do my part. I have considered couples counseling, but now that I think about it, so much of the problem, I feel like, is me. Well, to an honest extent it is, but then, it isn’t.

I became depressed back in January this year. What started off as talking about a possible engagement between us, to my mom, ended up disastrous. Things became worse and worse in my head, and everything spiraled out of control inside me. I became depressed. I stopped showering, taking care of the house, I binge ate, I stopped brushing my hair, etc, and honestly, i’m still at that point, but it’s gotten better as time has went on.

My Love and I talked today. We had an argument about our feelings. He says, “I work 40 hours a week, and I come home and have to clean up the house AND cook.” I said, “I’d be in better spirits if you just spent time with me.”

Honestly, we never came to an agreement on the time spent together before the argument ended, but I promised him things would change and that I would start cleaning more and cooking more.

All of this stopped once I got depressed back in January. Just everything, like I said above plus more! I grew up in a house in my early twenties where my Dad hoarded a bit. Everything was always filthy. I hated it, but never cleaned. I’m not sure why, other than I didn’t want to clean. I just stayed in bed all day due to depression, anxiety, and psychosis. I either slept or ate, but I was always in bed. My Love said I need to break that habit of being in bed. I’m thinking I do, too, and need to start contributing to the household. Especially if i’m not working, I suppose.

Here’s to better times! 🍻

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

I Said “Yes!”

It happened. The thing I have been waiting for, for FOREVER!

It’s great! It really is, and I feel like life has opened up so many more doors for me.

On the other hand, some people will have negative things to say. One, (and kind of only), being my Mom.

She was upset that My (now) Fiancé didn’t ask her, and my stepdad, about what ring to go with and price points. She made the claim that “he wasn’t even thinking”. She put down my Dad in the process. Saying, “Well, you’re Dad doesn’t know anything about rings, so I know he didn’t ask him.” I just told her stop being judgmental. She said “let’s just leave it at that. YOU’RE the one marrying him anyway.”

Should we really leave it at though?

So much to think about. Also if I am to lose my disability, what should I do next?

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Reassessing My Priorities

My mom called me today.

I don’t have a very good relationship with her.

She goes on and on about two things with me: my health, and me being overweight, and my financial status.

She is very judgemental, and at times, can be rude about things. Almost no filter coming from her.

Today I asked her about cheaper electric companies I could go with, considering me and My Love are paying a couple of hundred a month for electric alone. Honestly, I don’t know how it really happened, but it immediately went into how I should be in a community revolving around church. Basically, she said I need to goto church and find community. That’s great and all, and I am christian, but I feel like I just don’t have time for that.

One thing she said is, how My Love and I hermit ourselves inside our small apartment. That’s not true. All she has is time, as one of my friends put it, which is true. My Love works 40+ hours a week. Every once and awhile his best friend will come over, or my dad. I work sometimes trying to make extra money when he is at work. Even if i’m not working, i’m STILL working to find extra ways I haven’t tried, to make money.

My sister and her husband travel a lot. They have a child under 5, and they now own their own business, as well as, volunteer in church. Amongst other things. Let me remind you, for me to do all that, would be pushing my boundaries for my mental health. That would be a lot of stress to me, mentally. Physically, too, but that’s another story.

So, in reassessing my priorities, I’m not going to let her get me down this time. She already got me down because of a possible engagement.

In reassessing my priorities, I will continue to work on finding ways to make money. I am stuck in that mindset right now. Probably because I am broke AF.

When you reach a new depth, you try harder, and I need more funds. Don’t let family be your worst enemy. Even though, sometimes they can be.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Stressed, Tired, And Broke

I can’t help it. I’m burnt out from work, and everything else.

I cried last night. Well, I bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking of my Dad dying, and My Love leaving me. My Love said that won’t happen, “I’m not going anywhere”.

I’m so new here still, in this town, trying to make a life for myself. It’s hard. It’s just really hard.

And i’m stressed, tired, and broke.

This is so hard, ya’ll. Let me tell ya.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Christmas: Part One

Well, this little early Christmas get-together with my mom and sister ACTUALLY went wonderful. No one overstayed their welcome. No one got drunk off their ass (I don’t think anyone even drank 😮). I have to say it was pretty wonderful.

I received this awesome Nintendo Switch from my mom, and the games from My Love 😍.

And then My Love decided to shoot a candid shot of me, and show my Mom how much I was enjoying it, 😂.

Add me: SW-2173-6422-0530

Thank you for reading! And until next time!

%d bloggers like this: