Tag Archives: diabetes

Here’s My Confession

So I seemingly keep having breakdown, after breakdown, after breakdown. And crying spells, this week.

Here’s the real deal, I’ve been pretty much an “invalid” for 10 years. I say that because I’ve been laying in my bed all day, everyday, for that long.

The first 4 years of that I was very sick with psychosis, and on very heavy pills, and high doses of them, the couple of years after that. Now I am in recovery, but it’s slow, very slow. I’ve been in recovery for 3-4 years now. Each year gets better, but damn, it’s so slow. I’d say every year, I probably only accomplish 2-3 things. A mix of small and big things.

Today, My Love said that, that’s how he sees me, is in bed all day. And I was gutted. It hurt so much, thinking about how much I am keeping him from doing the things he wants to do. And i’m floored. Just floored. I just don’t want him to think he is with the wrong person.

Honestly, I don’t know what to say right now, other than I am still fighting. I have gotten tested for thyroid issues and diabetes. I am on Vitamin D, and I have tried a SAD lamp, and so many different vitamins and therapy. I’m so lost as it is now.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Eating Disorders And Schizophrenia

I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I’ve somehow dug myself into a really deep hole.

Through gaining weight on medications, I’ve become really resistant to food. I want to lose weight so badly. It’s bad enough, the side effects of all these meds like Haldol and Seroquel, and mostly all of them. Now i’ll just do anything to lose weight…

I just finished a bowl of spaghetti from a restaurant. It took me 3 days to eat it. I would take 4-5 bites and I would be full. I can’t eat much because I’ve come to starve myself so much in the past few months to lose weight. Some days I didnt eat at all. This could possibly turn into some sort of new diagnosis for me, in regards to disordered eating…but I don’t want this to come to light. Although, if I become thin enough, it will. I’ve already had people badmouthing me and telling me that I am too getting too skinny. Which I know for a fact isn’t true. I started losing weight when I was in the 150’s this year. Which actually made me overweight – borderline obese. I gained weight in the past, going up to 180, but I lost it in healthy ways. I actually dont know how I did it.

Well, I know how I am losing it now.

Honestly I see all of this as a result of what the Antipsychotics put me through. Gaining weight on them is just one side effect but for most people taking them, it’s major, and personally it lowered my self esteem so much. I couldn’t walk much without getting tired. My joints were hurting all the time and I had back and knee pain from being overweight. I also was pre-Diabetic. And of course, I didnt look good.

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