Tag Archives: depression

The Reality of Reality

reading through things and serching for help in my area to understand medicare……….im just about to break into crying……the sadness……and upset….and embarassment…..at my income ……and mental health…..and all this stuff in my life…….this is one of those moments that……you realize how broken you actually are both inside and out………..  😥  …………like heres reality……….im sitting in it………………..in THIS reality……..broken both inside and out……………a lot of people dont realize how lucky they are……seriously……….i never ever ever saw living even contently as lucky………but its almost pure luck in this day and age………..my dad lost his jobs one day and everything crumbled…….we went from upper middle class to my parents spit divorce and then few years later to only thing seperating us between being ok and physically on the streets were some walls. measly walls. we had no furniture in the house. no running water. no electricity. no air for too long…….and my mental illness worsened and worsened and worsened these past 3-5 years……..my college career broke and over……..going on and off insurance cuz no money………and so on……

……..everything iin my life is just gone gone gone.
one thing…*POOF* gone!
something else *POOF* gone!
another thing *POOF* gone!
and so on and so on and so on.
2 years after my lose his job i ALMOST LOSE HIM. AND THEN AGAIN 1 YEAR LATER.
it doesnt even stop.
and people wonder why i keep having psychotic breaks.

you FUCKING tell me.

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No More Reality Checking

One thing I know for sure is that one day I want to break away from this mental health stuff and my own mental health and just drop my life – and barely/rarely look back. No more analyzing. No more figuring out how I am doing. Just live. I wish I had never known my troubles as I do. Being this close and in tune makes me more lonely and depressed than not. I wish I was naive/ignorant more to my mental health. Part of the problem is i’m alone almost 24/7 – 7 days a week so I have ALL this excess time to think about everything.

I REFUSE to do these so called “reality checks” anymore. I dont even call them that now. Let me just let my mind run wild. Ok?

The past 6 months i’ve gotten further away than ever before. In 2010 I started my descent from normalcy and rarely looked back until I was in police custody (or whatever that siutation would be called) in 2012 for a psychotic episode.

The more I run from this the more it follows me. But I will take a left turn so complicated and sharp – Schizophrenia wont know what the fuck hit it.

Tiresome

The only support system i have in my life is falling apart. i am extremely suicidal. i may not be well in other ways like psychosis. i dont know. i say i dont know because i am falling apart fast too. so fast i cannot and almost dont care to keep up with it. i just am trying to survive every single second of the days that come toward me. i am in a very thousand-mile deep seat of mental and emotional pain right now.

I can smell my hands and arms. The skin. It smells like rotting flesh. Last time I smelled this I had a hard time convincing myself I wasn’t dead or dying. That was hell.

Im the total opposite in that rain makes me quite content than most.

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