Tag Archives: depression

Painting I Made

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Hospital Stay

I was in the hospital for a week.

That would make about something above 12 or 13th time.

I’m not going to go into it now but…way above.

 

Im tired of these. Mostly scared. They do change your environment and thats good for awhile. the doctor didnt really care about me. thats usual. im not for the mental health system though in general. my outside psychiatrist knew this hospital doc put me on a lashing of meds that wouldnt help. a crap load of crap…is what i say.

i was trying to stay away from the intramuscular shots for noncompliance but they caught up to me…

im on them the moment i got out pretty much. within 7 days. i hope i never have to goto mental health court.

 

im starting to slip into fear and paranoia again. i dont know if its paranoia or true. i really dont know. i do know i feel fear. lots of it. already. or not a lot but its starting to come back onto me again.

Ok

i keep wanting to say i never have felt so unimportant than i have in so long.

but the fact when ur in a position like mine – you flat out arent importnt.

where are the people? there is none. there havent been any for years.

i just feel like i want to quickly take my 3 bottles of pills with alcohol and hope to god i get the peaceful death i feel i deserve.

yet it so weird because i feel as if i already took them and i dont think i have.

My Trichotillomania

Not sure if i ever mentioned it but i have had trichotillomania since I was 9 years old. I havent had eyebrows and eyelashes fully since i was 10 or 11. Meaning theyve been completely pulled out by then. I only pulled from those places…

until three years ago i started pulling from my hair. it was fairly innocent i think like how it initially was. i pulled out from my scalp to keep stray hairs from getting into my food or on my clothes because it was disgusting to me and a pet peeve. a year later i i found it calming to run my hand through my hair to groom the stray hairs out. so much so that it got to a point where i found myself doing it unknowingly because it was was stress reducing.

the past year now i have noticed lots of baby hairs popping up from my scalp and my hair seemingly thinning…

i already know why i pull. i pull because of stress. because i notice when im stress free my hair start to grow in on my eyebrows.

i have been crying and crying everytime i see more baby hairs and seeing my scalp looking rather thin than last time because i KNOW i am DREADING almost with every ounce of me, the day where i will have patches but most likely thinned hair from pulling. i mean im dreading to the point of feeling suicidal and i dont think ive ever felt suicidal from having trichotillomania. if i have it wasnt noteworthy enough.

im absolutely devasted. just devastated. its killing me.

and the worst part of all of it…is i cant stop.

i cant stop pulling…

😥

Parents Who Help

sometimes im jealous of people who have parents that do everything they can to help them through stuff like this. all the stories ive read about people (usually moms) doing all this stuff and learning about the issues with their child and finding them help.

it brings a real heartache to my chest.
thats never been either of my parents TBH.
they initially didnt want me to have anything to do with psychiatry when I was a teen. very little. i begged for help at the time because living was very unbearable. i eventually hit a rock bottom and quite literally physically and mentally and emotionally dropped out of school without actually technically dropping out. even though before i was giong to  psychiatrist and been to a hospital, they took it more seriously when i became 17 and had become I think so depressed and not doing anything, that I had my first full psychotic break.

they still dont know what to do. or how to do anything. just like in the past. except now they have left it really all up to the mental health system of which i want nothing more than to run away from.  but i am not someone who is able to live without some kind of help. its never proven to be more hard and uncomfortable living with schizophrenia until the early twenties of my life. i will be 23 this month and even though i was diagnosed with schizoaffective at 17 and had symptoms since about 9 years old, It hasnt proven to be so hard until i hit 20 and has become so unrelentingly, mindblowing, head spinning, disorientingly, sicken-ly, harder every year i have grown older.

Sometimes People Just Have Nothing To Say To You

The thing about loneliness is…

…when you dont have the friends and things to do keep you busy…

…the little things don’t mean much.

I have opened up about how lonely I am. I only have my parents to open up to and then I had opened up (i feel too much) online about how lonely I am. My parents have nothing to say. Literally, they said “sorry” and that was it. That killed me. Sometimes we dont want to take advice from people, but in the case of the people closest to me…they dont even have anything to say. Theres no advice. Theres a “sorry“. thats harder to hear than advice i dont want.  i say im bored a lot in life. im not particularly bored im just not motivated. i have so much i can do and think up to do. its the same old stuff. thats ok. im just not motivated. but then again i dont have what i call “immediate” things to do. i say “immediate” because im referring to the lack of things to do my geographic area. my living in the rural cuts off things to do that are closer to home. also resources.

sometimes i question if many of my organs still exist or if they have just evaporated or melted and have been digested and excreted from my body.

Whats To Lose?

I feel a strong need to run away. Or do something on my own.

i still live under much help from my parent. and they helpp me do things – daily life stuff and important stuff. whatever. grocery shopping. doctors appointments. banking. my parent drives me 99% of the time everywhere. i cant think of much more off the top of my head but i think the pictures been drawn out fairly ok for you. Nothing more personal than that.

All that because of fear. Paranoia. Sometimes episodes where I may be confused or partially/fully incoherent from an episode.

I want to start doing things on my own. But I know if I do…a lot of shit will go wrong. Am I willing to sacrifice possibly more hospital stays but lets hope not anything more than that this time? Yea…I think I might be, I dont know. But why? Because I feel i have nothing too much more to lose in life. And I’m not doing anything anyway….

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