Tag Archives: depression

Respect & Disrespect On The Internet

I havent posted in a very long time. I just hadnt had time, ive forgotten, ive also been doing video blogs, etc.

But then something came up that I felt so strong about…

I feel like I’m the only person in this world that is tolerant to almost everything. There are certain things that I if I was tolerant to it would be sort of weird. For example being biracial, it would be weird to be tolerant of white pride. Well…to support it.

What Im trying to get at is, having been on so many forums and support groups online that deal with supporting others and receiving support for mental health, it’s odd to me how many people on these online places are very intolerant of religion. Now I’m christian. Im serious about my faith and religion but Im not one to preach to random people in public, to random people online, and places like these support groups that have policies that state to keep talk of religion to a minimum or nil.

Maybe I dont know what I was expecting, but I thought people going through so much struggle and so desperate looking for support wouldnt stoop so low as bash other religions. Im not just talking about my own but other peoples religions too.

My beliefs lie in a certain religion but I will always respect other peoples beliefs. I used to not, but I got older and I learned respect.

This goes into other topics, as well. So many people just have no respect for people of other races, genders, sexual orientations, or their beliefs in politics, or even people with certain disabilities disrespect people with other types of disabilities. I dont understand how people can be in such a mindset like that. I understand getting upset or “butthurt” about someone saying something and then you make some sort of throwback at them. But why continuously live life forever disliking a set of people or peoples beliefs?

To me that’s such a sad life. It honestly wants to make me be completely done with the internet and disconnect myself entirely. Though you have to realize that these are real people who live out there in real life saying these things, and me doing such a thing like disconnecting myself wouldnt change that theres still those people out there who log on and say that stuff. And they live in our world outside of the internet. Well…most all of them do.

The Fact Of The Matter Is…

within every person with schizophrenia is a different person. we are all different.

also i dont buy into the fact the people with schizophrenia arent depressed. maybe not clinical and so bad to needing ECT. but this is such a lonely disorder. i refuse to say disease. i need hours upon hours of alone time. but to be alone for so many years is a different thing. i actually handled it well minus the psychosis for 4 years. idk whats differnt abut this year. maybe that my neighbor died. and it has me questioning life and the purpose of it. but this and last year have been the worst years of my life.

2008 was bad. but its like 2008 when i was almost homeless is like hitting me now i think because i didnt realize the impact money has until i got on disability last year. and now im on food stamps. who knows how long ill have all that too. i fear ill lose any at any review time.

i may not be a leper in my eyes but im another poverty statistic. another mentally ill poverty statistic. the kinda person sociologists report on in the news and articles online and how we need to help these people. but help never comes around. its all talk. and we are all stuck in the same place with money woes and mentally ill minds and loneliness and other health issues and other issues. well yea who wouldnt be depressed.

in 2007 when i was 16 i was for sure id be a film student at a top texas university mingling with very few people but at the near top envied with my creative visions. never a nobody on disability and food stamps. not a single soul known in my mind. my dad taking care of me. and a racked up number of police records and hospital stays. #1 member at club meds. in the top 5 at a least. everything turned to hell in prodromal symptoms in 2008 and a full blown psychotic episode that same year when i was borderline homeless. and every year of my life since then too. and it only gets worse. the symptoms. my life situation. the environment. etc.

dont tell me to not give up. ive given up already. dont give me that bullsh_t about trying harder or giving it time or how the meds will work it evenly out. now all i can think about is how to live minute by minute on these meds with still symptoms vying for my attention. talking to my voices alone and in public. and fearing what i know is real. dont tell me its not. because it is.

im alone in this and always will be. question is how can i NOT kill myself over that fact.

Hospital Stay

I was in the hospital for a week.

That would make about something above 12 or 13th time.

I’m not going to go into it now but…way above.

 

Im tired of these. Mostly scared. They do change your environment and thats good for awhile. the doctor didnt really care about me. thats usual. im not for the mental health system though in general. my outside psychiatrist knew this hospital doc put me on a lashing of meds that wouldnt help. a crap load of crap…is what i say.

i was trying to stay away from the intramuscular shots for noncompliance but they caught up to me…

im on them the moment i got out pretty much. within 7 days. i hope i never have to goto mental health court.

 

im starting to slip into fear and paranoia again. i dont know if its paranoia or true. i really dont know. i do know i feel fear. lots of it. already. or not a lot but its starting to come back onto me again.

Ok

i keep wanting to say i never have felt so unimportant than i have in so long.

but the fact when ur in a position like mine – you flat out arent importnt.

where are the people? there is none. there havent been any for years.

i just feel like i want to quickly take my 3 bottles of pills with alcohol and hope to god i get the peaceful death i feel i deserve.

yet it so weird because i feel as if i already took them and i dont think i have.

My Trichotillomania

Not sure if i ever mentioned it but i have had trichotillomania since I was 9 years old. I havent had eyebrows and eyelashes fully since i was 10 or 11. Meaning theyve been completely pulled out by then. I only pulled from those places…

until three years ago i started pulling from my hair. it was fairly innocent i think like how it initially was. i pulled out from my scalp to keep stray hairs from getting into my food or on my clothes because it was disgusting to me and a pet peeve. a year later i i found it calming to run my hand through my hair to groom the stray hairs out. so much so that it got to a point where i found myself doing it unknowingly because it was was stress reducing.

the past year now i have noticed lots of baby hairs popping up from my scalp and my hair seemingly thinning…

i already know why i pull. i pull because of stress. because i notice when im stress free my hair start to grow in on my eyebrows.

i have been crying and crying everytime i see more baby hairs and seeing my scalp looking rather thin than last time because i KNOW i am DREADING almost with every ounce of me, the day where i will have patches but most likely thinned hair from pulling. i mean im dreading to the point of feeling suicidal and i dont think ive ever felt suicidal from having trichotillomania. if i have it wasnt noteworthy enough.

im absolutely devasted. just devastated. its killing me.

and the worst part of all of it…is i cant stop.

i cant stop pulling…

😥

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