Tag Archives: depression

I Have Everything To Lose

Things are not going well, all in all,

My Love and I have been arguing and fighting everyday. He’s upset over finances, and me cleaning the house very little. I’m upset because I have to beg him to hold me, talk to me, or show me any kind sexual attention whatsoever. He just won’t. Me, on the other hand, I’m working in getting a job for both of us.

I’m not sure what to say. I have considered leaving past few days, but I’m trying to stick it out and work on myself more. He hasn’t worked on much of anything. He says he just wants to be left alone, but that’s every single day. He just wants to play video games and smoke weed. I don’t feel it’s fair for him to want to be left alone for days at a time when I’m yearning for touch from him, and to hear his voice talk to me.

I followed up with that job, but still haven’t heard back. It’s been almost a week. I really want this job so bad, and I just don’t know if I’ll get it, or not.

I’ve been drinking more. And I’ve started drinking liquor. And today I drank before noon. Those are sure shot signs I’m not in a good place at all.

My mom seems to be avoiding me, and my dad is just too busy working. My friends, they are busy with their own things. I don’t have many people in my life that stick around, and I cant help but feel My Love will leave me someday.

For the love of everything, Lord, send me a sign. I need things to get better, and I’ve only contemplated hurting myself everyday.

Thanks for reading. And until next time.

This Went Left

We can’t afford to live where we are living anymore, and it’s really putting me in the deep end, emotionally.

I’ve been very depressed, procrastinating, and letting everything fall to the wayside. This is hitting home way too much.

My Love and I may have to move back in with our parents (separately), after just recently getting engaged. We can’t afford a home, another apartment, or even the same apartment. We are spending $719 here, plus all bills separately from that. We can’t seem to make it on his income, plus my disability income.

We are lost and just looking for a miracle.

Please bear with me for the moment being.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

I’m Not Sure If I’m Ready

I apologize for not posting in awhile.

Let’s start off by saying, My Love and I are not sure if we can afford rent anymore. We are considering moving back into our parents house (separately). Maybe getting our finances in order, before moving back in together.

Definitely not my idea, and i’m very scared. It’s nothing against my father, or his house, so much as, all my memories there of me dealing with my schizoaffective, depression, and anxiety. And then, my ex. It would just be so backwards for me. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, everyday. I hope it doesnt come down to that.

We could make it if I got a part time job. I was doing Instacart and a few other jobs like that for awhile, but with this town being so small, it’s hard because no one orders. I was lucky if I was getting two orders a day.

I’m supposed to be starting college again soon, and i’m just so lost. I’m not sure if i’m ready. Especially with all this having to move back stuff in the back of my head.

Forgive me for not writing much, but everything is so stressful right now. And i’ve been drinking more. As well as, having panic attacks everyday. I think it’s the stress of having to go backwards when I just don’t want to. I fear going backwards is going to ramp up my symptoms and depression.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!m

This Man Is My Life

Literally. And all I can think about everyday.

I just want things to be better between us. Obviously, if he didn’t love me, or like me, he wouldn’t have proposed! So I definitely need to do my part. I have considered couples counseling, but now that I think about it, so much of the problem, I feel like, is me. Well, to an honest extent it is, but then, it isn’t.

I became depressed back in January this year. What started off as talking about a possible engagement between us, to my mom, ended up disastrous. Things became worse and worse in my head, and everything spiraled out of control inside me. I became depressed. I stopped showering, taking care of the house, I binge ate, I stopped brushing my hair, etc, and honestly, i’m still at that point, but it’s gotten better as time has went on.

My Love and I talked today. We had an argument about our feelings. He says, “I work 40 hours a week, and I come home and have to clean up the house AND cook.” I said, “I’d be in better spirits if you just spent time with me.”

Honestly, we never came to an agreement on the time spent together before the argument ended, but I promised him things would change and that I would start cleaning more and cooking more.

All of this stopped once I got depressed back in January. Just everything, like I said above plus more! I grew up in a house in my early twenties where my Dad hoarded a bit. Everything was always filthy. I hated it, but never cleaned. I’m not sure why, other than I didn’t want to clean. I just stayed in bed all day due to depression, anxiety, and psychosis. I either slept or ate, but I was always in bed. My Love said I need to break that habit of being in bed. I’m thinking I do, too, and need to start contributing to the household. Especially if i’m not working, I suppose.

Here’s to better times! 🍻

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

I Said “Yes!”

It happened. The thing I have been waiting for, for FOREVER!

It’s great! It really is, and I feel like life has opened up so many more doors for me.

On the other hand, some people will have negative things to say. One, (and kind of only), being my Mom.

She was upset that My (now) Fiancé didn’t ask her, and my stepdad, about what ring to go with and price points. She made the claim that “he wasn’t even thinking”. She put down my Dad in the process. Saying, “Well, you’re Dad doesn’t know anything about rings, so I know he didn’t ask him.” I just told her stop being judgmental. She said “let’s just leave it at that. YOU’RE the one marrying him anyway.”

Should we really leave it at though?

So much to think about. Also if I am to lose my disability, what should I do next?

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Reassessing My Priorities…AGAIN!

So I had a long talk with My Love.

We sat and talked about the past few months. I had a hard depressive episode in January and February. I stopped cleaning. I stopped taking care of myself. The whole depressive she-bang! Anything that should’ve been done, I didn’t do it.

My last post of reassessing my priorities had more to do with family, and my mom. Now it’s about My Love. Our lack of communication is so typical, yet beyond this relationship. Well, I wouldn’t say “beyond”, but definitely something we need to really, really work on. It’s almost sad, and if I were to marry this man, he needs to know where I’m coming from, and vice-versa.

He said things were great in the beginning when we moved here. I was paying my half of the bills and cleaning.

Here’s the thing, we’ve racked up newer bills, and our old bills have gone up, like electric. Our new bills include a mattress payment, and a tv payment, both monthly. Amongst a few other things. The cleaning, well, I was in a depressive episode. I have depressive phases often and they can last a month, or two, or more, unfortunately.

I asked him to give me another chance. Although, him talking to a supposed female friend, a week ago, had me even more depressed.

Yea. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t respect me, and wants to do what he wants to do. We will see how this all pans out this next month.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Is The Depression Gone Yet?

So, I don’t want to jinx myself, but the depression seems to be wearing off. I worked 1 day in the past week. Start small. That’s what counts. I’m lucky enough to have disability to fall back on.

Xena is so much better. I think her cough is gone 99%, so that’s good. She’s much happier, and playing now.

I would like to get one of Dave Ramsey’s books. I’m feeling so inspired right now. I signed up for college again, and FAFSA.

I think i’m MOSTLY back to myself. Thank God! But 🤞🏽!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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