Tag Archives: 2019

I Have Everything To Lose

Things are not going well, all in all,

My Love and I have been arguing and fighting everyday. He’s upset over finances, and me cleaning the house very little. I’m upset because I have to beg him to hold me, talk to me, or show me any kind sexual attention whatsoever. He just won’t. Me, on the other hand, I’m working in getting a job for both of us.

I’m not sure what to say. I have considered leaving past few days, but I’m trying to stick it out and work on myself more. He hasn’t worked on much of anything. He says he just wants to be left alone, but that’s every single day. He just wants to play video games and smoke weed. I don’t feel it’s fair for him to want to be left alone for days at a time when I’m yearning for touch from him, and to hear his voice talk to me.

I followed up with that job, but still haven’t heard back. It’s been almost a week. I really want this job so bad, and I just don’t know if I’ll get it, or not.

I’ve been drinking more. And I’ve started drinking liquor. And today I drank before noon. Those are sure shot signs I’m not in a good place at all.

My mom seems to be avoiding me, and my dad is just too busy working. My friends, they are busy with their own things. I don’t have many people in my life that stick around, and I cant help but feel My Love will leave me someday.

For the love of everything, Lord, send me a sign. I need things to get better, and I’ve only contemplated hurting myself everyday.

Thanks for reading. And until next time.

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I Applied To A Job

Round one million (seems like).

I applied to a Peer Support Specialist position at a local mental health clinic. I think I am at least a really good candidate for this position, because I deal with mental health issues myself. At one point I was considered catatonic and unable to do anything for myself.

But here I am, thriving!

Wish me luck, or perhaps, pray for me. I need all I can get.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Does It Ever End?

The financial situation is just getting worse.

I’m really holding out on getting a proper job. I’m not sure why completely. My health isn’t up to par enough to do it. That’s probably why, honestly.

I feel like we can get through this, but in the meantime I will be going back to instacart for awhile to make some extra cash.

Enjoy this picture of Thor looking out the window. I took him to the dog park today. I’ve been exercising a lot more, and slowly eating better.

Good Morning! ☀️

I haven’t really wrote anything of value here in the past 2-3 weeks.

My Love and I are probably over our heads with finances at the moment. No doubt we are working on that, though. We have been talking a bit more about our financial situation and have decided that maybe it is actually possible to stay where we are at, or stay in the area. I keep relaying to him my fears of going back to my father’s house due to all the memories there being when I was the sickest with my mental health.

My job situation is nil. The only job I can think of doing, with little to no stress, is maybe being a stocker at a grocery store. Although, I’m not sure how long I would be able to hold up there since, well, it’s not the most interesting job. These work at home jobs I’m finding are harder to get into. Finding them is no problem, they just require more than I am skilled at, at the moment.

So, here I am, eating off-brand ramen, and drinking off-brand Dr. Pepper. I’m still quite confident we can do this. There’s not much of a reason to believe we cant, but there’s still always that chance things may fall through.

Enjoy this picture of a birds nest I found in my area in the mean time.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Hypomania Or Depression

Not sure if hypomanic or just have a lot of ideas…

Yea, that’s pretty much what’s on my mind right now. I stayed up all day and part of the night searching for jobs. I barely slept. Then woke up at 3AM back to money making ideas.

This poses a problem.

I seem to have the flight of ideas similar to hypomania, but the energy of it is fading quickly. So yea, i’m not sure, but I have a lot of ideas. Of course, if there is a lack of energy, then there is no will to implement any of these ideas. And i’m back to square one. Wow! Couldn’t be worse!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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