My Haldol Injection

i get my injection now once a month. about a week and a half into it i get tired. very sedated. during the middle (about two weeks in) im ok. not many voices or paranoia. a week and a half or so before the next one its already wearing off. ive got voices now. harsh. severe paranoia. the whole thing is weird. and kind of bad.

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Trapped

on the outside i appear to be better. but the wheels of misfortune are still turning in my head. psychosis.

…i dont know why that sounded better in my head.

my body feels like it just ran a marathon on these injections. tired and unsustainable. nothing is attainable. everything a pain. but my mind is still going. im still hearing voices. still paranoid. im like trapped in this tired body. my minds not racing. its just still troubled with psychosis and fear. and ive got more stressful things. or at least it just doesnt let up with the medicare and ssa.

ive lost motivation to even update my blog. but ill try.

Hospital Stay

I was in the hospital for a week.

That would make about something above 12 or 13th time.

I’m not going to go into it now but…way above.

 

Im tired of these. Mostly scared. They do change your environment and thats good for awhile. the doctor didnt really care about me. thats usual. im not for the mental health system though in general. my outside psychiatrist knew this hospital doc put me on a lashing of meds that wouldnt help. a crap load of crap…is what i say.

i was trying to stay away from the intramuscular shots for noncompliance but they caught up to me…

im on them the moment i got out pretty much. within 7 days. i hope i never have to goto mental health court.

 

im starting to slip into fear and paranoia again. i dont know if its paranoia or true. i really dont know. i do know i feel fear. lots of it. already. or not a lot but its starting to come back onto me again.

Ok

i keep wanting to say i never have felt so unimportant than i have in so long.

but the fact when ur in a position like mine – you flat out arent importnt.

where are the people? there is none. there havent been any for years.

i just feel like i want to quickly take my 3 bottles of pills with alcohol and hope to god i get the peaceful death i feel i deserve.

yet it so weird because i feel as if i already took them and i dont think i have.

My Trichotillomania

Not sure if i ever mentioned it but i have had trichotillomania since I was 9 years old. I havent had eyebrows and eyelashes fully since i was 10 or 11. Meaning theyve been completely pulled out by then. I only pulled from those places…

until three years ago i started pulling from my hair. it was fairly innocent i think like how it initially was. i pulled out from my scalp to keep stray hairs from getting into my food or on my clothes because it was disgusting to me and a pet peeve. a year later i i found it calming to run my hand through my hair to groom the stray hairs out. so much so that it got to a point where i found myself doing it unknowingly because it was was stress reducing.

the past year now i have noticed lots of baby hairs popping up from my scalp and my hair seemingly thinning…

i already know why i pull. i pull because of stress. because i notice when im stress free my hair start to grow in on my eyebrows.

i have been crying and crying everytime i see more baby hairs and seeing my scalp looking rather thin than last time because i KNOW i am DREADING almost with every ounce of me, the day where i will have patches but most likely thinned hair from pulling. i mean im dreading to the point of feeling suicidal and i dont think ive ever felt suicidal from having trichotillomania. if i have it wasnt noteworthy enough.

im absolutely devasted. just devastated. its killing me.

and the worst part of all of it…is i cant stop.

i cant stop pulling…

😥

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