Change

The Great 180

I think I might have overcome the depressive episode, or starting to. Which is great. I’m not yet doing the things I fully should, but i’ve got headway on a few things.

    I have been searching for a new job
    I have ordered my planner for my hustle & flow.
    My mom bought me candles for my evenings to relax
    I have been waking up rested so far!
  • I have ordered my vitamins from Care/Of for my health and wellness.

It’s going good so far. Not much has been accomplished, but I feel positive about how things are going.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Advertisements

There’s A Little Hiccup

Most of my immediate family AND friends have expressed that I should really think about keeping my disability, and the insurance from it, instead of getting legally married.

I understand why. At the same time, I wish I could live a normal life like everybody does, and get married, get a job, have kids, and goto college. Unfortunately, I cannot do that for one reason, or another.

1. I’m not capable of having a full time job. Due to my illness, and everyone around me knows that. I know that, too. Perhaps I’m so wrapped up in the love aspect, and feelings, of my relationship, that I fail to see that. I know many reading this may think I seem intelligent, or smart. I am. Although, due to medications and living with a psychotic disorder, I am unable to hold a full time job.

2. It’s obvious. Anyone who knows disability inside and out, knows you lose everything taking on normality. Because, it means you’re capable. Which I am not FULLY. I’m getting there, but not there just yet.

So i’m taking heed to what everyone has expressed. I won’t get legally married probably, at all. At least, not yet.

And complications with my relationship with my mother, even if I do have any kind of ceremony, she will probably not go. Unfortunately!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Here’s My Confession

So I seemingly keep having breakdown, after breakdown, after breakdown. And crying spells, this week.

Here’s the real deal, I’ve been pretty much an “invalid” for 10 years. I say that because I’ve been laying in my bed all day, everyday, for that long.

The first 4 years of that I was very sick with psychosis, and on very heavy pills, and high doses of them, the couple of years after that. Now I am in recovery, but it’s slow, very slow. I’ve been in recovery for 3-4 years now. Each year gets better, but damn, it’s so slow. I’d say every year, I probably only accomplish 2-3 things. A mix of small and big things.

Today, My Love said that, that’s how he sees me, is in bed all day. And I was gutted. It hurt so much, thinking about how much I am keeping him from doing the things he wants to do. And i’m floored. Just floored. I just don’t want him to think he is with the wrong person.

Honestly, I don’t know what to say right now, other than I am still fighting. I have gotten tested for thyroid issues and diabetes. I am on Vitamin D, and I have tried a SAD lamp, and so many different vitamins and therapy. I’m so lost as it is now.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Stressed, Tired, And Broke

I can’t help it. I’m burnt out from work, and everything else.

I cried last night. Well, I bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking of my Dad dying, and My Love leaving me. My Love said that won’t happen, “I’m not going anywhere”.

I’m so new here still, in this town, trying to make a life for myself. It’s hard. It’s just really hard.

And i’m stressed, tired, and broke.

This is so hard, ya’ll. Let me tell ya.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Redundancy

I was warned…

…about the redundancy of jobs. Having a job, period.

I had an episode last night. You could call it a psychotic episode if you want. I just got a little off track in my mind, and started talking about people following me. Something My Love has only seen a few times. So it was pretty embarrassing and hard for me. It started with a panic attack, and ended with paranoia about people.

How does that and a job tie in together? Well, I’m probably getting stressed out. I signed up for many jobs this past month. Probably 4. Along with writing my book and keeping up with this blog. So, that, on top of everything else I have to do like keep up house while My Love is at work, is very stressful for me. It’d be stressful on anyone, but add in someone like me who deals with mental health problems, and only has been able to function normally for about 4 years now.

*BREATHE*

Ok. So I’m not exactly taking a break. I’m not exactly gonna do much to handle this right now. Because I have not worked for almost 2 weeks now. I’ve been burnt out, and depressed.

With that said. I DID want to document this. I’m normal. I’m mentally ill. My Love tells me all the time, “Quit sitting in a dark room, in silence, on your phone all day”. He’s so right, and I need to stop, but I did that for almost 10 years while being sick. It’s a hard habit to break.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Something Cathartic Happened Today

I am home today with nothing to do. I couldn’t snag any hours today with Instacart, my other jobs haven’t come through yet, and I have nowhere to go. I’ve cleaned the house already, yesterday, like a maniac.

So i’ve been in bed all day, thinking.

And that’s where things get bad.

I had a panic attack.

I shouldn’t be doing that. Every. Single. Time, i’m idle like that I start thinking about my past and how I used to be. Except this time, I started to realize something. I’ve changed.

When I was teen, and younger, I was very shy and quiet. I liked artsy things, I was gothic, and then punk and emo. I played music, etc. Then when I got sick around my early twenties, I was so deathly afraid of people. I barely left my house, barely showered, stopped my meds cold turkey and almost become catatonic, I was so sick. I started reading more about philosophy, religion, and got into government conspiracies. You get the picture.

Now, within the past few years, as I have recovered from Mental Illness, I have become quite a social butterfly. Not a lot, but enough to have a good amount of friends and keep them. Instacart, back then (or anything like it), would’ve been a pipe dream. Or maybe a nightmare for me.

And it was then, I felt confused for the first time.

Here I am, having gone through so much and changed so much, and STILL changing. It’s as if I’ve lost myself or maybe part of myself along the way.

Like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And I need help. I need grounding. I need guidance. Or something like it.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

I Think I’ve Cracked The Money Making Code

So, I started Instacart about a week and a half ago. I don’t get many orders (or batches), because my area is too new (and Instacart needs to be publicized more here).

Although, I thought all day today about jobs just like Instacart, and how to make money alternatively, compared to a typical clock in, clock out job.

So I did a little research, and WOW, what a find. I found all these services and gigs you can do for money, on your own schedule and own time.

So there I am, face to face with these opportunities. I couldn’t pass them up!

Today I signed up to be a dog walker on Rover, delivering fast food, and also delivering packages with Amazon. On top of Instacart, that’s four EXTRA side gigs where I can be my own boss!

2019 will be an amazing year with earning extra income alongside my disability check, and pumping me up for the job world.

Here I come!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

(I apologize for the upsurge of “money making” posts. I’m not advertising and I’m not promoting. This is simply me being excited about opportunities. You are welcome to take as you please)

%d bloggers like this: