Author Archives for Moze Pray

the secret of the case manager

let me spell this out

for a reason unknown to me and confusing – i cant get a case manager.

ive been told everything from “you should have one”. “you should have one already”. to reading that i cant get one.

ive been hospitalized where in multiple places they told me multple times that i need one or should already have one. but i dont have one.

im actually confused as to what these people do anymore. i read conflicting things about what their job actually entails. but the thing is – from what i know – is that if they do help with getting you back on track and helping with insurance or schooling or finding a place to live or checking with you – – – then i could really use one…

xanax binges

i know no one here understands me or prob even cares. so why do i write this blog? i dont know.

i just wanted to say that.

 

im doing something i call xanax binges. where i take a few pills and then pass out. when i take up i take a few more. pass out. and so on for a few days or so. because i just want to forget about the world. and the best possible way is to do that is to sleep like away like that fairy tale where that guy sleeps for years. i wish i could do that.this haldol injection makes me quite depressed.

i just started another installment of bingeing tonight. i lose time and memory. thank god.

i never was a drug addict. and i dont consider xanax as being one.but maybe i am. i dont think id mind being one.

this one time i did a binge i was so out of it waking up i had set something in my house on fire. and didnt remmebr it til next day. but had pictures i taken of myself of setting papers on fire.

 

this haldol makes me quite miserable. depressed.

Side Effects

one side of my side effects it that it depletes my ability to be creative and thats what i hold on to most in my life. is my creativity.

i miss my voices however bad they were now. they come back still. mostly when the injection is wearing off which should be soon.

i cant wait for that.

im quite lonely.

The Fact Of The Matter Is…

within every person with schizophrenia is a different person. we are all different.

also i dont buy into the fact the people with schizophrenia arent depressed. maybe not clinical and so bad to needing ECT. but this is such a lonely disorder. i refuse to say disease. i need hours upon hours of alone time. but to be alone for so many years is a different thing. i actually handled it well minus the psychosis for 4 years. idk whats differnt abut this year. maybe that my neighbor died. and it has me questioning life and the purpose of it. but this and last year have been the worst years of my life.

2008 was bad. but its like 2008 when i was almost homeless is like hitting me now i think because i didnt realize the impact money has until i got on disability last year. and now im on food stamps. who knows how long ill have all that too. i fear ill lose any at any review time.

i may not be a leper in my eyes but im another poverty statistic. another mentally ill poverty statistic. the kinda person sociologists report on in the news and articles online and how we need to help these people. but help never comes around. its all talk. and we are all stuck in the same place with money woes and mentally ill minds and loneliness and other health issues and other issues. well yea who wouldnt be depressed.

in 2007 when i was 16 i was for sure id be a film student at a top texas university mingling with very few people but at the near top envied with my creative visions. never a nobody on disability and food stamps. not a single soul known in my mind. my dad taking care of me. and a racked up number of police records and hospital stays. #1 member at club meds. in the top 5 at a least. everything turned to hell in prodromal symptoms in 2008 and a full blown psychotic episode that same year when i was borderline homeless. and every year of my life since then too. and it only gets worse. the symptoms. my life situation. the environment. etc.

dont tell me to not give up. ive given up already. dont give me that bullsh_t about trying harder or giving it time or how the meds will work it evenly out. now all i can think about is how to live minute by minute on these meds with still symptoms vying for my attention. talking to my voices alone and in public. and fearing what i know is real. dont tell me its not. because it is.

im alone in this and always will be. question is how can i NOT kill myself over that fact.

My Haldol Injection

i get my injection now once a month. about a week and a half into it i get tired. very sedated. during the middle (about two weeks in) im ok. not many voices or paranoia. a week and a half or so before the next one its already wearing off. ive got voices now. harsh. severe paranoia. the whole thing is weird. and kind of bad.

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