Author Archives for Moze Pray

The Reality of Reality

reading through things and serching for help in my area to understand medicare……….im just about to break into crying……the sadness……and upset….and embarassment…..at my income ……and mental health…..and all this stuff in my life…….this is one of those moments that……you realize how broken you actually are both inside and out………..  😥  …………like heres reality……….im sitting in it………………..in THIS reality……..broken both inside and out……………a lot of people dont realize how lucky they are……seriously……….i never ever ever saw living even contently as lucky………but its almost pure luck in this day and age………..my dad lost his jobs one day and everything crumbled…….we went from upper middle class to my parents spit divorce and then few years later to only thing seperating us between being ok and physically on the streets were some walls. measly walls. we had no furniture in the house. no running water. no electricity. no air for too long…….and my mental illness worsened and worsened and worsened these past 3-5 years……..my college career broke and over……..going on and off insurance cuz no money………and so on……

……..everything iin my life is just gone gone gone.
one thing…*POOF* gone!
something else *POOF* gone!
another thing *POOF* gone!
and so on and so on and so on.
2 years after my lose his job i ALMOST LOSE HIM. AND THEN AGAIN 1 YEAR LATER.
it doesnt even stop.
and people wonder why i keep having psychotic breaks.

you FUCKING tell me.

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No More Reality Checking

One thing I know for sure is that one day I want to break away from this mental health stuff and my own mental health and just drop my life – and barely/rarely look back. No more analyzing. No more figuring out how I am doing. Just live. I wish I had never known my troubles as I do. Being this close and in tune makes me more lonely and depressed than not. I wish I was naive/ignorant more to my mental health. Part of the problem is i’m alone almost 24/7 – 7 days a week so I have ALL this excess time to think about everything.

I REFUSE to do these so called “reality checks” anymore. I dont even call them that now. Let me just let my mind run wild. Ok?

The past 6 months i’ve gotten further away than ever before. In 2010 I started my descent from normalcy and rarely looked back until I was in police custody (or whatever that siutation would be called) in 2012 for a psychotic episode.

The more I run from this the more it follows me. But I will take a left turn so complicated and sharp – Schizophrenia wont know what the fuck hit it.

My Slight Increase In Stressors Would Be A Major Life Change For You

Not happy about the county mental health clinic changing my psychiatrist up on me. RIGHT before I leave out the door when I am making my appointment. It upset me so much that I felt the need to runaway for about a week or so.

im currently trying to make plans to take off somewhere in the united states, OTHER than this state. anywhere but here.

For a bit I thought I thought I was doing well with no voices for about a week or two. I just realized an hour ago I have been hearing them even more. I sort of know why. I think the slight increase in stress with getting my insurance cut off, even though I know medicare will replace it. Also definitely the change in my psychiatrists put on me out of the blue (EXTREMELY angry about that). And other stuff. I just didnt notice because ive been paying less attention to if i am hearing voices and just interacted with them more I guess. Which is probably why Ive felt less bored. Just to be honest.

I want to get away from most of this mental health stuff someday. Instead of engaging in analyzing stuff like “am I hearing voices more” or something of that nature. I have been doing well to get away from it the past few months. But more I get away from it though the more it comes towards me in some way.

The Idea of Recovery Has Become Non-Existant

Everytime i realize i dont have anyone around me to talk to i tear up a little. Pathetic.

Talking to people online isnt something i truly wanted. i started doing it to temporarily combat loneliness until i found someone in the real world. 3 years later i still have no one and my presence online has increased 3-4x times as much as i even wanted it to. Yet i’m getting to a point where I dont want to talk at all, now. Or maybe I just see the act of telling someone how I feel and what I think is becoming pointless really. Through the limited help i’ve recieved, and through all the cracks i’ve fallen through in my life, I feel the whole “sharing” and “being open” about oneself has had its opportunity where I could have done that. But I am become less open to being open with someone one on one anymore, online or in real life. I havent quit yet, but I cant say it will stick around much longer. It’s been diminished drastically. Also my wanting to get professional help.

I went through my late teens adhering and being completely compliant in every way thrown at me. Then when I became twenty i denounced medication but still was very open to any and all therapys or treatments non-pharma related. Now around my 23rd birthday, i’m not sure how i feel about anything at all. Period.

Tiresome

The only support system i have in my life is falling apart. i am extremely suicidal. i may not be well in other ways like psychosis. i dont know. i say i dont know because i am falling apart fast too. so fast i cannot and almost dont care to keep up with it. i just am trying to survive every single second of the days that come toward me. i am in a very thousand-mile deep seat of mental and emotional pain right now.

I can smell my hands and arms. The skin. It smells like rotting flesh. Last time I smelled this I had a hard time convincing myself I wasn’t dead or dying. That was hell.

Im the total opposite in that rain makes me quite content than most.

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