Monthly Archives: March 2019

Reassessing My Priorities…AGAIN!

So I had a long talk with My Love.

We sat and talked about the past few months. I had a hard depressive episode in January and February. I stopped cleaning. I stopped taking care of myself. The whole depressive she-bang! Anything that should’ve been done, I didn’t do it.

My last post of reassessing my priorities had more to do with family, and my mom. Now it’s about My Love. Our lack of communication is so typical, yet beyond this relationship. Well, I wouldn’t say “beyond”, but definitely something we need to really, really work on. It’s almost sad, and if I were to marry this man, he needs to know where I’m coming from, and vice-versa.

He said things were great in the beginning when we moved here. I was paying my half of the bills and cleaning.

Here’s the thing, we’ve racked up newer bills, and our old bills have gone up, like electric. Our new bills include a mattress payment, and a tv payment, both monthly. Amongst a few other things. The cleaning, well, I was in a depressive episode. I have depressive phases often and they can last a month, or two, or more, unfortunately.

I asked him to give me another chance. Although, him talking to a supposed female friend, a week ago, had me even more depressed.

Yea. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t respect me, and wants to do what he wants to do. We will see how this all pans out this next month.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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Reassessing My Priorities

My mom called me today.

I don’t have a very good relationship with her.

She goes on and on about two things with me: my health, and me being overweight, and my financial status.

She is very judgemental, and at times, can be rude about things. Almost no filter coming from her.

Today I asked her about cheaper electric companies I could go with, considering me and My Love are paying a couple of hundred a month for electric alone. Honestly, I don’t know how it really happened, but it immediately went into how I should be in a community revolving around church. Basically, she said I need to goto church and find community. That’s great and all, and I am christian, but I feel like I just don’t have time for that.

One thing she said is, how My Love and I hermit ourselves inside our small apartment. That’s not true. All she has is time, as one of my friends put it, which is true. My Love works 40+ hours a week. Every once and awhile his best friend will come over, or my dad. I work sometimes trying to make extra money when he is at work. Even if i’m not working, i’m STILL working to find extra ways I haven’t tried, to make money.

My sister and her husband travel a lot. They have a child under 5, and they now own their own business, as well as, volunteer in church. Amongst other things. Let me remind you, for me to do all that, would be pushing my boundaries for my mental health. That would be a lot of stress to me, mentally. Physically, too, but that’s another story.

So, in reassessing my priorities, I’m not going to let her get me down this time. She already got me down because of a possible engagement.

In reassessing my priorities, I will continue to work on finding ways to make money. I am stuck in that mindset right now. Probably because I am broke AF.

When you reach a new depth, you try harder, and I need more funds. Don’t let family be your worst enemy. Even though, sometimes they can be.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Is The Depression Gone Yet?

So, I don’t want to jinx myself, but the depression seems to be wearing off. I worked 1 day in the past week. Start small. That’s what counts. I’m lucky enough to have disability to fall back on.

Xena is so much better. I think her cough is gone 99%, so that’s good. She’s much happier, and playing now.

I would like to get one of Dave Ramsey’s books. I’m feeling so inspired right now. I signed up for college again, and FAFSA.

I think i’m MOSTLY back to myself. Thank God! But 🤞🏽!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Depression At New Depths

I was very sick for about 3-4 years in my early twenties. I went off the grid and deleted every single social media I had.

I’m so close to doing that again. While I may not actually do that, I don’t feel welcome just about anywhere in life. My so called friends haven’t called me. I have tried to call them and nothing. Just one. Just one person has answered my phone call/text.

My depression has entered a new stage. It’s at it’s very depths. The amount of loneliness, fear, and sadness I feel is so beyond me. I haven’t felt this way since I was 24, re-entering into the social media world, coming from nothing.

This is probably a relapse of some sort. I’ve probably been in it for some time now.

My relationship with My Love is rocky. Superficial, at best, in my opinion. My relationship with my friends is very nil. I understand people have things going on, but what does it cost to send just a “how are you?” over text. Nothing. And I still get nothing from them. Only one person. But even then I had to reach out. People say “reach out to me, i’m always here.” Fuck off. You know that’s the biggest lie ever. If I can’t reach you numerous times, then that’s a lie!

My relationship with my parents is so bad. At least with my mom. I mean, my mom just goes on about how im not taking care of my weight/health. Either that, or about my inability to save money. I tell her everyday things to prove to her that i’m making money. It’s never enough. My dad, well, i feel so disconnected with him. If I thought I felt disconnected with him when he’s working all day and i’m living with him… then NOW I feel disconnected even more when I’m not living with him.

I’ve never felt more estranged from the world than I do right now, and it’s the lowest feeling i’ve ever felt.

On top of all that, I’m estranged from God, and i could just about die.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Xena Update

We’ve been taking care of Xena, our new pup, this whole week. 24/7 care for her.

She finally is starting to eat a little bit on her own. She’s eating treats on her own, pupperoni snacks. She is still drinking water, which is good, too.

I need to call the vet and let them know her update/progress. I think they will be happy. In the beginning, they talked like they wanted to put her down. I even asked My Love if we needed to give her back to the shelter. My Love didn’t give up on her. She has made a lot of progress, but there’s still a lot more progress to be made.

Stay Tuned!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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