• I Applied To A Job

    Pray that I get this job, please! Continue reading

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  • Good Morning! ☀️

    I haven’t really wrote anything of value here in the past 2-3 weeks. My Love and I are probably over our heads with finances at the moment. No doubt we are working on that, though. We have been talking a … Continue reading

  • This Went Left

    We can’t afford the place we are living in anymore. Continue reading

  • I’m Not Sure If I’m Ready

    I apologize for not posting in awhile. Let’s start off by saying, My Love and I are not sure if we can afford rent anymore. We are considering moving back into our parents house (separately). Maybe getting our finances in … Continue reading

  • Reassessing My Priorities

    My mom called me today. I don’t have a very good relationship with her. She goes on and on about two things with me: my health, and me being overweight, and my financial status. She is very judgemental, and at … Continue reading

  • The Great 180

    I think I might have overcome the depressive episode, or starting to. Which is great. I’m not yet doing the things I fully should, but i’ve got headway on a few things. I have been searching for a new job … Continue reading

  • Update On Depressive Episode

    Here I am, recovering from my depressive episode, thinking about how to be a better person, for everyone. I’ve applied to 2 jobs, so let’s see how this goes. I thought I had cracked the code to side gigs, but … Continue reading

  • Met With A Job Counselor

    I had an appointment with my job counselor yesterday, and we talked about everything going on with me. My low energy, my depression, and me not working the past three weeks. He’s sending me to a psychologist so I can … Continue reading

  • Depressive State

    So I’ve just been kind of sitting here, in a depressive funk, for a couple of weeks. Not doing much of anything. And it’s getting to me. I can’t but help think i’m taking on too much, but i’m not … Continue reading

  • Stressed, Tired, And Broke

    I can’t help it. I’m burnt out from work, and everything else. I cried last night. Well, I bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking of my Dad dying, and My Love leaving me. My Love said that won’t happen, … Continue reading

I Have Everything To Lose

Things are not going well, all in all,

My Love and I have been arguing and fighting everyday. He’s upset over finances, and me cleaning the house very little. I’m upset because I have to beg him to hold me, talk to me, or show me any kind sexual attention whatsoever. He just won’t. Me, on the other hand, I’m working in getting a job for both of us.

I’m not sure what to say. I have considered leaving past few days, but I’m trying to stick it out and work on myself more. He hasn’t worked on much of anything. He says he just wants to be left alone, but that’s every single day. He just wants to play video games and smoke weed. I don’t feel it’s fair for him to want to be left alone for days at a time when I’m yearning for touch from him, and to hear his voice talk to me.

I followed up with that job, but still haven’t heard back. It’s been almost a week. I really want this job so bad, and I just don’t know if I’ll get it, or not.

I’ve been drinking more. And I’ve started drinking liquor. And today I drank before noon. Those are sure shot signs I’m not in a good place at all.

My mom seems to be avoiding me, and my dad is just too busy working. My friends, they are busy with their own things. I don’t have many people in my life that stick around, and I cant help but feel My Love will leave me someday.

For the love of everything, Lord, send me a sign. I need things to get better, and I’ve only contemplated hurting myself everyday.

Thanks for reading. And until next time.

Does It Ever End?

The financial situation is just getting worse.

I’m really holding out on getting a proper job. I’m not sure why completely. My health isn’t up to par enough to do it. That’s probably why, honestly.

I feel like we can get through this, but in the meantime I will be going back to instacart for awhile to make some extra cash.

Enjoy this picture of Thor looking out the window. I took him to the dog park today. I’ve been exercising a lot more, and slowly eating better.

Good Morning!

Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning!

I’m up and early, because My Love had to goto work at 4AM today. Definitely not something he likes! Normally I wouldn’t either, and I would usually be in bed til 10 or 11AM, but my schedule kind of revolves around his, so i’m up!

Took my ashwagandha today from a wonderful store called Restore Wellness RGV! I will take my B-12 shot later when I am about to work.

My Love is very grumpy when he doesn’t get enough sleep. Almost scary, haha.

What are things you do to make the day great?

This post is just to remind you to make your mornings great! It’s a fresh start to entering the world every 24 hours. Leave your mark. Plant a seed. Sow greatness. And reap impossibility!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

This Man Is My Life

Literally. And all I can think about everyday.

I just want things to be better between us. Obviously, if he didn’t love me, or like me, he wouldn’t have proposed! So I definitely need to do my part. I have considered couples counseling, but now that I think about it, so much of the problem, I feel like, is me. Well, to an honest extent it is, but then, it isn’t.

I became depressed back in January this year. What started off as talking about a possible engagement between us, to my mom, ended up disastrous. Things became worse and worse in my head, and everything spiraled out of control inside me. I became depressed. I stopped showering, taking care of the house, I binge ate, I stopped brushing my hair, etc, and honestly, i’m still at that point, but it’s gotten better as time has went on.

My Love and I talked today. We had an argument about our feelings. He says, “I work 40 hours a week, and I come home and have to clean up the house AND cook.” I said, “I’d be in better spirits if you just spent time with me.”

Honestly, we never came to an agreement on the time spent together before the argument ended, but I promised him things would change and that I would start cleaning more and cooking more.

All of this stopped once I got depressed back in January. Just everything, like I said above plus more! I grew up in a house in my early twenties where my Dad hoarded a bit. Everything was always filthy. I hated it, but never cleaned. I’m not sure why, other than I didn’t want to clean. I just stayed in bed all day due to depression, anxiety, and psychosis. I either slept or ate, but I was always in bed. My Love said I need to break that habit of being in bed. I’m thinking I do, too, and need to start contributing to the household. Especially if i’m not working, I suppose.

Here’s to better times! 🍻

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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