• Reassessing My Priorities

    My mom called me today. I don’t have a very good relationship with her. She goes on and on about two things with me: my health, and me being overweight, and my financial status. She is very judgemental, and at … Continue reading

  • The Great 180

    I think I might have overcome the depressive episode, or starting to. Which is great. I’m not yet doing the things I fully should, but i’ve got headway on a few things. I have been searching for a new job … Continue reading

  • Update On Depressive Episode

    Here I am, recovering from my depressive episode, thinking about how to be a better person, for everyone. I’ve applied to 2 jobs, so let’s see how this goes. I thought I had cracked the code to side gigs, but … Continue reading

  • Met With A Job Counselor

    I had an appointment with my job counselor yesterday, and we talked about everything going on with me. My low energy, my depression, and me not working the past three weeks. He’s sending me to a psychologist so I can … Continue reading

  • Depressive State

    So I’ve just been kind of sitting here, in a depressive funk, for a couple of weeks. Not doing much of anything. And it’s getting to me. I can’t but help think i’m taking on too much, but i’m not … Continue reading

  • Stressed, Tired, And Broke

    I can’t help it. I’m burnt out from work, and everything else. I cried last night. Well, I bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking of my Dad dying, and My Love leaving me. My Love said that won’t happen, … Continue reading

  • Another Day, Another Dollar, More Independence!

    So I started a new job in my area. Yes, pretty much a third or fourth job. Something akin to Instacart and UberEats. I’m still working my own schedule, and making money on my own time. I’m really enjoying this … Continue reading

  • First Full Week Doing Instacart (Update)

    So the week is over for last week. Only received 1 order in my zone all week (well, 2, but the second order was canceled due to app issues). It actually is fun doing it. It’s like a game, since … Continue reading

  • Second Day Doing Instacart

    Yep. Second day working for Instacart, and it’s been a complete bust both days. No batches, no orders = No work. Period. For two days. The day started with it reminding me about shift, 30 minutes before it started. It … Continue reading

  • I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

    So, I have applied for some jobs. Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need … Continue reading

I Said “Yes!”

It happened. The thing I have been waiting for, for FOREVER!

It’s great! It really is, and I feel like life has opened up so many more doors for me.

On the other hand, some people will have negative things to say. One, (and kind of only), being my Mom.

She was upset that My (now) Fiancé didn’t ask her, and my stepdad, about what ring to go with and price points. She made the claim that “he wasn’t even thinking”. She put down my Dad in the process. Saying, “Well, you’re Dad doesn’t know anything about rings, so I know he didn’t ask him.” I just told her stop being judgmental. She said “let’s just leave it at that. YOU’RE the one marrying him anyway.”

Should we really leave it at though?

So much to think about. Also if I am to lose my disability, what should I do next?

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Reassessing My Priorities…AGAIN!

So I had a long talk with My Love.

We sat and talked about the past few months. I had a hard depressive episode in January and February. I stopped cleaning. I stopped taking care of myself. The whole depressive she-bang! Anything that should’ve been done, I didn’t do it.

My last post of reassessing my priorities had more to do with family, and my mom. Now it’s about My Love. Our lack of communication is so typical, yet beyond this relationship. Well, I wouldn’t say “beyond”, but definitely something we need to really, really work on. It’s almost sad, and if I were to marry this man, he needs to know where I’m coming from, and vice-versa.

He said things were great in the beginning when we moved here. I was paying my half of the bills and cleaning.

Here’s the thing, we’ve racked up newer bills, and our old bills have gone up, like electric. Our new bills include a mattress payment, and a tv payment, both monthly. Amongst a few other things. The cleaning, well, I was in a depressive episode. I have depressive phases often and they can last a month, or two, or more, unfortunately.

I asked him to give me another chance. Although, him talking to a supposed female friend, a week ago, had me even more depressed.

Yea. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t respect me, and wants to do what he wants to do. We will see how this all pans out this next month.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Is The Depression Gone Yet?

So, I don’t want to jinx myself, but the depression seems to be wearing off. I worked 1 day in the past week. Start small. That’s what counts. I’m lucky enough to have disability to fall back on.

Xena is so much better. I think her cough is gone 99%, so that’s good. She’s much happier, and playing now.

I would like to get one of Dave Ramsey’s books. I’m feeling so inspired right now. I signed up for college again, and FAFSA.

I think i’m MOSTLY back to myself. Thank God! But 🤞🏽!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Depression At New Depths

I was very sick for about 3-4 years in my early twenties. I went off the grid and deleted every single social media I had.

I’m so close to doing that again. While I may not actually do that, I don’t feel welcome just about anywhere in life. My so called friends haven’t called me. I have tried to call them and nothing. Just one. Just one person has answered my phone call/text.

My depression has entered a new stage. It’s at it’s very depths. The amount of loneliness, fear, and sadness I feel is so beyond me. I haven’t felt this way since I was 24, re-entering into the social media world, coming from nothing.

This is probably a relapse of some sort. I’ve probably been in it for some time now.

My relationship with My Love is rocky. Superficial, at best, in my opinion. My relationship with my friends is very nil. I understand people have things going on, but what does it cost to send just a “how are you?” over text. Nothing. And I still get nothing from them. Only one person. But even then I had to reach out. People say “reach out to me, i’m always here.” Fuck off. You know that’s the biggest lie ever. If I can’t reach you numerous times, then that’s a lie!

My relationship with my parents is so bad. At least with my mom. I mean, my mom just goes on about how im not taking care of my weight/health. Either that, or about my inability to save money. I tell her everyday things to prove to her that i’m making money. It’s never enough. My dad, well, i feel so disconnected with him. If I thought I felt disconnected with him when he’s working all day and i’m living with him… then NOW I feel disconnected even more when I’m not living with him.

I’ve never felt more estranged from the world than I do right now, and it’s the lowest feeling i’ve ever felt.

On top of all that, I’m estranged from God, and i could just about die.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Xena Update

We’ve been taking care of Xena, our new pup, this whole week. 24/7 care for her.

She finally is starting to eat a little bit on her own. She’s eating treats on her own, pupperoni snacks. She is still drinking water, which is good, too.

I need to call the vet and let them know her update/progress. I think they will be happy. In the beginning, they talked like they wanted to put her down. I even asked My Love if we needed to give her back to the shelter. My Love didn’t give up on her. She has made a lot of progress, but there’s still a lot more progress to be made.

Stay Tuned!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

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